Ask Dr. Amber: Where Does All the Guilt Come From?

Responding to a reader's question about mom-guilt

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This week, I am trying something new! I asked readers to submit questions for me to respond to and I genuinely appreciate your submissions! I felt very cool writing this, probably because my writing idols are Lori Gottlieb and Cheryl Strayed, who both have brilliantly written advice columns. So I got to play pretend for a few hours as a I mulled over this very important and timely question. Please remember that this is not clinical advice. This is my perspective based on my personal and professional experiences.

Question: Where does all the guilt come from? Why do I feel guilty taking a break from my family or prioritizing my own projects? Why must I reach utter exhaustion before I rest (with guilt)? Is this a thing other mothers experience?

“But I do not know how to act like a mother.”

“Oh, it’s nothing, you just have to provide the gosling with food and water and shelter, make him feel loved but don’t pamper him too much, keep him away from danger, and make sure he learns to walk and talk and swim and fly and get along with others and look after himself. And that’s really all there is to motherhood!”
― Peter Brown, The Wild Robot

Is this a thing other mothers experience?

This part of your question is easy to answer. Resoundingly, undoubtedly, yes. 

Feelings of guilt are a familiar part of the maternal experience, at least in the modern, Western world. Guilt is defined as the uncomfortable feelings that arise when we perceive that we have done something wrong. It's an important emotion, because it signals our mistakes and missteps, so that we can make repairs or do it differently in the future. 

Of course, our emotions aren't always factual. The same way that we can feel frightened even when there is nothing to fear, we can feel guilt even when we have done nothing wrong. Therefore, it is important to distinguish between guilt and unwarranted guilt. In your case reader, I am willing to bet that we are talking about unwarranted guilt, that is, a persistent feeling of guilt that exists even when there is no objective evidence that you have done anything wrong. 

This brings us to the more challenging part of your question, “Where does all the guilt come from?” 

There are so many contributing factors to maternal guilt that I will not attempt to cover them all here.  I also do not think that I am going to tell you anything here that you do not, on at least some level, already know. But hopefully I will outline it in a way that will help you make more sense of your own experience. I will focus just on a few factors that feel foundational to this issue, in my experience. 

What is “Wrong”?

I believe that parents are prone to feeling like we have done something wrong because what is right and wrong is not always readily apparent. Children do not come with instruction manuals, and there is no mandatory class to pass before bringing them home from the hospital. Everyone and their dog have an opinion when it comes to parenting, and this only adds to the noise. 

While there is no instruction manual for parenting, there is a generally adopted consensus on what it means to be a “good mother.” This ideology has been called “intensive mothering” by sociologists, and it defines mothers as the primary caregiver. It suggests that mothering is instinctual for women and ultimately fulfilling. It requires that family life be child-focused, meaning that most routines and decisions revolve around the child’s needs and wants. There is an assumption within this ideology that in order to be a “good mother”, a mother cannot be splitting her time between parenting and work outside the home. This standard of motherhood continues to be communicated to women despite the fact that most mothers can (and must) work outside the home. Therefore, it is no wonder that mothers struggle with pervasive guilt; whether we are conscious of it or not, we have likely internalized this story about what makes a good mother and we are aware that it takes everything we have in us to even hope to aspire to it. 

Secondly, our children will suck the life out of us if we allow them. It’s not their fault, but dang if they won’t take every ounce of attention and energy that we have to offer. They will take the food off our plates and the space in our beds, and for mothers especially, even the physical body is not off limits. In the face of a child’s endless need, parents must find it within themselves to say no, not that, not now, this is mine. We must be able to hold back enough to sustain ourselves as well, and not just enough to survive, but hopefully, enough to thrive. But where is the line? Well, just like with everything else involved in child-rearing, that line is not clear. Parents have to make that decision for themselves. Reader, it sounds like you are waiting to draw that line at “utter exhaustion.”

And lastly, we are so vulnerable to unwarranted guilt as parents because the stakes are really high. Show me a parent struggling with guilt and I see a parent who cares deeply about doing right by their children. 

So where does this leave us? I believe that mothers want nothing more than to feel certain that they are doing what is best for their children and are willing to sacrifice a lot in order to make this be the case, and at the same time, what is “best” for children is ill-defined, ever-evolving, nuanced and contextual. When we look for support, we are fed a cultural ideal that is outdated and unrealistic. This combination results in a persistent feeling that we may not be doing enough or doing it right. To compensate, we always aspire to be giving more of ourselves, just in case. Therefore, it can be difficult to ever feel like it is ok to prioritize ourselves.

It’s not difficult to take care of a child; it’s difficult to do anything else while taking care of a child- Julianne Moore

A Warning About Guilt

Guilt has an emotional cousin called shame. Brené Brown defines shame as an “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.” Brown explains that whereas guilt can be a helpful emotion, shame is an unhelpful and potentially damaging emotional experience. 

As parents, we will inevitably make mistakes. Feeling guilt about the mistake will likely inspire us to make repairs with our children and change our behavior for the better in the future. Feeling shameful, however, might have the opposite effect. You are likely feeling shame if instead of thinking “I did something wrong” you are thinking “I am a bad parent.” Ask yourself, is this guilty feeling actually shame? Shame is emotional quicksand; it will overpower your ability to do anything constructive for you or your children. 

And One More Thing….

Too often, I hear mothers express feeling guilty about their own emotional experiences. It sounds like this: 

“I feel guilty that I don’t enjoy doing the bedtime routine.”

“I feel guilty that I had so much fun on my kid-free girls weekend trip”

“I feel guilty that I don’t love every aspect of being a mother.”

To be clear, no children were harmed during any of the above emotional experiences! When our emotional experiences do not meet the expectations of the “good mother” ideal, it feels like we are doing it wrong, hence, the guilt. 

You are allowed to feel however you feel. What matters is how you respond. Having guilt in reaction to your feelings makes you feel worse AND it does nothing to help you with the original emotion. 

When the target is unclear, it's difficult to know when we have hit the bullseye. Therefore, to help you with your guilt, I invite you to get clear about your own parenting values. Clarify the goal for yourself. What are your beliefs about what is right and wrong? What are your priorities and non-negotiables?

In your question, you specifically reference feeling guilty about taking time away from your family for other projects or resting. What messages do you want to give to your children about how you as their mother (or women in general) spend their time? What do you want them to learn by watching you? I imagine you do not want them to learn that being a mother means working yourself into the ground for your family, leaving no space or time for yourself as an individual. 

Then, I suggest that you spend a little time better understanding what voices and experiences are influencing your feelings of guilt. I spoke in generalities here, but I encourage you to identify the details for yourself. Maybe enlist the help of your partner, a good friend, a mentor, or a therapist to help unravel that tangled ball of yarn that represents your complicated feelings about motherhood. Naming these things is the first step to determining what is helpful and what is not; what actually aligns with your values, and what is not yours to own. Take what’s helpful and leave the rest.

Once you are clearer about what you want your ideals to be, based on your values and expectations, it will be easier to challenge the unwarranted guilt that is resulting from comparing yourself to someone else’s standard. 

(P.S. If you haven’t seen The Wild Robot yet, I highly recommend it. I thought it was a beautiful depiction of the sacrifices of motherhood.)

I know there are many mothers who read Dr. Amber_Writes, so mom’s please feel free to offer your own perspectives on mom-guilt in the comments. Vent, commiserate, offer advice!

Have a question for Dr. Amber? Submit your questions for consideration here.

Disclosure: Dr. Amber_Writes is a newsletter designed to be informational, entertaining, and engaging. It is not therapy. Following this newsletter does not establish a therapeutic relationship with me. Dr. Amber_Writes, and other written communication by Amber Groomes on Substack, is not a substitute for treatment, diagnosis, or consultation with a licensed mental health professional. I assume no liability for any action taken in reliance on my writing here at Dr. Amber_Writes.