'Raising Resilience' Offers Guidance on Raising Kids in These Uncertain Times
A book review
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A few weeks ago, I wrote about resilience; specifically, I reflected on my experience of parenting children through a traumatic family event. I had just begun reading the book “Raising Resilience: How To Help Our Children Thrive in Times of Uncertainty” by Tovah P. Klein, Ph.D, and I promised to bring you a more in-depth review. If you missed my original post, you may want to check it out for a more thorough definition of what we mean by ‘resilience.’
We are three weeks deep in 2025, and there has been no shortage of heavy and disheartening news. For parents, a book that guides us in supporting children through tumultuous times is just what the doctor ordered. Dr. Klein draws on her experiences as a psychologist, professor, and researcher who has observed children and families during times of great uncertainty, including the 9/11 attacks in the US and the Covid-19 pandemic. This book is not a how-to guide for responding to children in the midst of a crisis (although their are some tips for that), instead, it is an in-depth analysis of how we can use our everyday parenting interactions as opportunities to instill the qualities of resilience.
Klein refutes the idea that resilience is a fixed trait that some people have and others do not. Similarly, it is a myth that resilience is only created by enduring hardship. Instead, Klein describes resilience as a set of characteristics that parents can teach and nurture in their children beginning in infancy and practiced throughout their development.
5 Pillars of Resilience
Klein writes in detail about five skill sets that parents can actively instill to encourage resilience in children.
Emotional Safety: One of the foundational tasks of parenthood is providing the groundwork for children to feel emotionally and physically safe by establishing a trusting parent-child relationship. Klein describes how parents act as both a “container” for children’s emotions and an “anchor” during moments that overwhelm a child’s ability to cope. She reviews numerous skills that parents can cultivate, including how to attune to children’s emotions, help them make meaning of frightening and confusing situations, and how to repair ruptures in the relationship.
Emotion Regulation: We help foster resilience in children when we support them in acknowledging, accepting, and responding to the full range of human emotions. This involves knowing how to allow our children to feel uncomfortable emotions and knowing how to respond to them in a way that encourages self-regulation. To do this, parents often need to challenge their own misconceptions and hang-ups about emotions, because if we are consistently running from and numbing out our own emotions, we will not be able to tolerate the painful emotions that arise when we see our children struggling. Klein offers a script for practicing co-regulation, among many other tools for parents.
Developing Agency: How do we prepare and encourage our children to become happy and healthy adults? Klein guides us in helping children navigate healthy separation from their parents, a developmental process that “is neither linear nor straightforward; it happens over long stretches of childhood in fits and starts.” This chapter discusses how to identify and enforce limits, establish routines, and help children to tolerate making mistakes.
Social Connection: Resilient individuals can navigate effectively in a social world. They can cooperate and connect with others, develop healthy bonds, and offer and receive help when needed. Klein offers practical strategies for parents to teach and model pro-social behaviors. One of my favorite tid-bits from this chapter was the idea that parents can help their teenagers develop effective arguing skills by permitting their children to disagree and negotiate with them. When kids know how to argue effectively, they are more likely to disagree with and stand their ground when confronted with peer pressure.
“A child who feels truly seen and appreciated for simply being themselves will rely on this center for the rest of their lives.”
Tovah P. Klein, Ph.D.
Being Understood and Accepted: By communicating unconditional love to our children we are paving the path towards their own self-acceptance. This chapter reviews the pit-falls of self-esteem (as opposed to self-acceptance) which I also write a bit about here. Unfortunately, many of us know the pain of having a harsh inner critic and for many, that voice originated in childhood via criticism and invalidation from adults. Klein discusses the barriers that parents may face in fully accepting our children as they are, and practical strategies for overcoming those barriers.
One of my favorite things about this book is how it acknowledges and supports parents in exploring how our own emotional “stuff” will be triggered by our children, and thwart our efforts at being the most effective and loving parents that we can be. The book is packed with reflective prompts that parents can use to explore their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences with these topics.
Parents are inundated with advice and opinions, and it is easy to feel overwhelmed, confused, or even shamed. This books serves as a compassionate and timely resource, offering accessible tools that are grounded in research. I found it genuinely helpful as a parent and I am happy to have this as a resource for clients in my therapeutic practice.
Have you read “Raising Resilience”? Are you interested in reading it based on this review? Would you like to see more book reviews on Dr. Amber_Writes?
I would love to hear your feedback in the comments!
Disclosure: Dr. Amber_Writes is a newsletter designed to be informational, entertaining, and engaging. It is not therapy. Following this newsletter does not establish a therapeutic relationship with me. Dr. Amber_Writes, and other written communication by Amber Groomes on Substack, is not a substitute for treatment, diagnosis, or consultation with a licensed mental health professional. I assume no liability for any action taken in reliance on my writing here at Dr. Amber_Writes.
Oh I will have to add it to my TBR list. In reading through your summary of skills needed, I realize how much of those are also needed for working with adults!
Saved to my reading list, thanks Amber!