Stop Using Your Smart Phone To Hurt Your Own Feelings

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Here’s a secret from a therapist:

Someone, somewhere is looking at you and thinking, “I want what she has.”

Maybe they want your appearance, relationship, family dynamic, bank account, diploma, energy, confidence, humor….

Well, they want what they THINK you have. Because of course, we never really know the details.

Think it can’t be true? Take a look through your recent social media posts. Or imagine what others see when you drop your kids off at school or give that presentation at the office. What do they see when you walk into church, or go for a jog, or post a photo of a beach sunset?

If you are thinking, “My life sucks, no one would want this”… the point is that anyone can and will make up a story about what they perceive. Rarely is that story accurate or whole. And the next point is, of course, that you are doing this too; making up stories about what others have, and comparing yourself against it.

Everyone has their thing. The thing that you feel insecure about, becomes the thing that you notice in others and compare yourself to.

We use other people as a tool to measure our own worth. Their achievements (or beauty, or children, or wealth, etc.) become a ruler. Sometimes we measure up, and feel relief. More often, we end up feeling like we have fallen short.

From my place as a therapist, I have the privilege of knowing that everyone is comparing themselves to one another and feeling inadequate as a result. And when everyone is thinking that everyone else has it all, or has it all figured out, well…it becomes more clear that really NONE of us have an accurate perception of ourselves and others. No one has it figured out.

It would be a bit comical, if people were not in so much damn pain.

The pain that we cause ourselves by engaging in constant comparison to others is profound. This is not simply a problem of “keeping up with the Joneses” or wanting the newest and fanciest toys that others can afford. I am talking about how social comparison becomes another way to stoke the flame of our insecurities, self-doubts, and shame.  

Someone that is jealous of another’s new engagement, is likely lonely and uncertain about their ability to have the romantic relationship that they want.

Someone that is noticing how another family dresses, eats, and plays is probably feeling inadequate as a parent.

If you are wondering if your old roommate lost weight, you are also probably questioning how your own jeans fit.

Most of us understand on a logical level that what we see of others is not an accurate reflection of their lives. Yet again and again, I watch people fall victim to this distorted perception.

We live in a culture that makes us hyper visible to one another, yet more disconnected than ever. In a matter of seconds, we can access the highlight reel of dozens of our peers, everyone from our closest friends to that person that sat behind you in a sociology lecture hall ten years ago. The stories we view on social media are as curated as those on reality television; images and moments cherry picked to portray the story that one wants to share.

For the most part, no ill intentions are at work here. For every adorable picture I post of my children, I have six or seven imperfect ones that no one gets to see. One where no one smiles, another where you can see the dirty laundry pile in the background. My floors look dirty in this one.

I sort through the images and choose the one where my children appear happiest. I might crop out a random cup in the background, shaping the scene to look tidier than it actually it is. Not a lie, just an omission.

I suspect that this process of curating our lives for the public eye comes second nature to most of us at this point. It’s second nature now to scan and scrutinize the moments that we set out to capture something memorable, to reject and hide away the parts that feel imperfect. How might this process reinforce a feeling of never being enough?

We compare our timelines to other peoples’.

I did not finish my degree in four years.

I thought I would be promoted by now.

Everyone my age is married and having children.

We feel a sense of false competition and scarcity. It feels like there’s only so much success to go around. There’s a pressure to keep up, do and achieve more, that distracts and detracts from enjoying what we have in this moment.

It is easy to believe that others are happier and healthier.

These comparisons often lead to self criticism, like “I should be wealthier, more fit, more productive, a better parent.”

Sometimes it leads to feelings of envy. I’ve noticed that, for many of us, it is deeply uncomfortable to admit to feelings of jealousy or envy. I watch folks do mental gymnastics to explain away the thought and feeling, to disguise the longing as another more palatable feeling; like anger. It can feel quite vulnerable to admit to wanting.

The danger here is not just that comparisons make us feel unnecessarily bad about ourselves and our lives. Additionally, comparison and it’s emotional aftermath becomes distracting; draining mental and emotional energy that we need in order to build the life that we want (or appreciate the one that we already have.) It encourages us to ask the wrong questions and solve the wrong problems.

Like, “Why does she have what I want?”, instead of “What do I need to do today, to help me achieve what I want?”

“Why didn’t I do that sooner?” instead of “What can I do differently next?”

“What if that never happens for me?” instead of, (you guessed it), “What can I do today to feel one step closer to where I want to be?”

It’s ok to notice that there is something you would like to achieve or improve, about yourself and your life. But it is not helpful to use an inaccurate tool to measure your progress.

There is ample advice out there about how to spend less time on social media. It’s wise to be mindful and intentional about your screen time. I would argue however, that social media is simply the latest and greatest tool for us to misuse in this way. The tendency to engage in social comparison has always been there. If you are not working on your own feelings about your thing, then you will find yourself engaging in problematic comparison no matter where you go. Now more than ever, it is important to change our relationship with what we are seeing.

What other people are posting has nothing to do with you. Isn’t there freedom in that? Wouldn’t it feel good to stop making it about you in the first place?

If you see another’s image or announcement that sparks envy or wistfulness, challenge yourself to remember that behind every curated moment, there’s an imperfect human with their own hurdles and hardships, disappointments and failures, and painful thoughts and feelings.

Notice what your “thing” is. And when you notice yourself measuring your life against another, try to turn your attention back to what this says about you. What are you longing for, missing, or needing? What do you need to help you get there?

If the answer is not achievable, perhaps you need to practice acceptance; the difficult skill of letting go of what you cannot control. I offer some suggestions on acceptance here.

To challenge yourself one step further, try to notice how you might feel about that other person, if you were not distracted by how you measure up. Would you feel happy for them? Inspired? Curious? Proud?

I try to do less curating of my life these days. Not because anyone is entitled to my most human moments, but because I know that I hurt my own feelings every time I go searching a photo for the parts that cause me embarrassment. I do not want to reinforce a tendency to pick my life apart searching for imperfections to hide.

Here’s a screenshot of how I look in a virtual appointment…what you can’t see is all the junk on the floor that I don’t want to show!

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Disclosure: Dr. Amber_Writes is a newsletter designed to be informational, entertaining, and engaging. It is not therapy. Following this newsletter does not establish a therapeutic relationship with me. Dr. Amber_Writes, and other written communication by Amber Groomes on Substack, is not a substitute for treatment, diagnosis, or consultation with a licensed mental health professional. I assume no liability for any action taken in reliance on my writing here at Dr. Amber_Writes.