We Are All Anxious Here

Welcome to my substack, Dr. Amber_Writes. This week, I hope to introduce myself and this space.

We Are All Anxious Here

It is commonly understood among mental health therapists that we come to this work somewhat selfishly. Do we strive to help others? Of course. And at the same time, many of us acknowledge that our initial interest in the field of psychology and human behavior originated due to a desire to understand ourselves, our families, or the systems that we grew up in. 

I knew by the time I was 17 years old that I wanted to become a psychologist. Early in my training I worked with children and teenagers coping with the most difficult of life’s trauma and hardships; poverty, parental addiction and mental illness, abuse and neglect. I worked with kids and families in various venues, and I loved the work, but I struggled to feel confident as a helper. I was giving everything I had, and yet never felt that I was really helping in the way that these families needed (which were more compassionate and well-resourced systems, as opposed to just well-intentioned individuals like myself). Gradually, I took on new training and opportunities, and eventually found a niche where I felt more impactful. At this stage of my career, I finally feel like my unique strengths as a helper are reaching the individuals who can best make use of what I have to offer in their own healing. Not surprisingly, my caseload tends to be anxious, over-thinking, sensitive women. Women who look a lot like me. 

In my work with clients, we are often addressing anxiety. I am helping them understand the emotion of fear, the beliefs and stories that fuel their fear, and the behaviors that they are using to stay safe (which also, ultimately, keep them stuck and scared). I often accompany them as they confront frightening thoughts, sit with uncomfortable or painful feelings, or take actions that previously seemed impossible. My anxious clients are some of the bravest people I have ever met. 

As someone who has lived with anxiety disorders since childhood, I have personally benefitted from the same education and processes that I share with others. I like to think I have come a long way. My earliest memories of anxiety include laying in bed with the covers pulled up to my chin, sweating in my poorly air-conditioned attic bedroom, unable to sleep. I was both afraid of the dark and unable to turn my mind off. To cope with my fear, I spent hours escaping into my own thoughts; fantasizing imagined conversations and scenarios at school, compulsively anticipating everything I needed to worry about and how I would fix it, praying that everyone would be healthy and happy. For many years I would struggle with insomnia because I did not associate bedtime with sleeping; bed was the place where I did all my “thinking.” 

Learning to thrive through anxiety meant learning to relate differently to my internal world. It was life saving work for me. And, just like anyone else, I always have more of my own work to do. Putting my words, written and spoken, out in front of strangers is both a dream and a major fear of mine. For years I have felt a strong pull to share my ideas with a larger audience, but every time I start to put myself out there, I’m inundated with my old friend, the “what ifs.” 

What if I accidentally plagiarize someone? 

What if I say something offensive? 

What if I do not have enough to say? 

What if everything I could say has already been said more beautifully by someone else? 

What if I get tired and can not be consistent?

The more I consider the “what if’s”  the more confused and doubtful I become. And so, I never begin. 

So you see, this newsletter is my attempt to practice what I preach. The “what ifs” are not gone; in fact, they are louder than ever and along for the ride. Occasionally a client will ask me whether therapists need to use the same tools that they teach to their clients. The answer: Hell yea. I would like this to be a space to demonstrate that, through personal essays and reflections from my own experiences. I would also like this to be an avenue to provide education and tools on mental health topics. My goal is to publish weekly. I do not strive for perfectly revised and edited posts; if I entertained that notion, then I would never post. I have not committed to one particular purpose for the newsletter, in an attempt to allow it to grow organically into what it is meant to be. The goal at this present moment is simply to write and share; consistently and imperfectly.

Some topics that you will likely find here:

• My personal reflections on anxiety, grief, and healing from addiction in the family

• What I have learned from providing therapy for over a decade and reflections for other mental health professionals

• My professional experiences on the use of Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

• Recommendations and reviews on books I often recommend to patients

• Proclamations of love for my two dogs and five cats.

Jaycee, who supports me whether I do the hard thing, or simply go back to bed.

I hope you will continue to read along.

Signed,

A work in progress

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