This is something I’ve wrestled with for decades, unsure of how to approach it and often fumbling through. Not only is this beautifully written, but it's also incredibly useful. Thank you!
I am so glad to hear it was helpful! Sounds like you have been doing this whole parenting thing for a lot longer than I have, and I can only imagine the complexity that comes with going through this with teens and young adults.
I love this! So well articulated and a great resource about crying!
I especially appreciate the highlighting of the fear crying as akin to losing control and the internalized messages that lead to that.
And when we cry in front of our kids, we give them the message that it's ok to cry and they are safe with us - so beautiful to create that sacred space.
Thank you Christine. I really do think it is such a gift when we approach emotions this way for our kids. And there are so many parents out there doing the tough work of un-learning their unhelpful patterns so that they can be that change for their kids. It's really inspiring. All the messages you provide each week about grief are so helpful with this mission!
I love how you've woven your personal experience together with your clinical expertise. I can relate to so much of it. We lost my father in law, and then my father within a few years of each other, and I wrote a few months back about the messiness of handling grief together with your children. Wondering about crying in front of them was part of that, as well as fumbling through answers to difficult questions, and appropriateness of them being present for viewing the body (as you shared about your dog). Also - both of my parents were therapists! But they modeled very different approaches to emotional regulation and expression. Thank you for offering some excellent pieces of advice and distinguishing how we might think about healthy vs unhealthy examples of emotional expression we display for our children.
What a beautiful, tender, relatable exploration of this subject Amber. It still surprises me how many people apologise for crying in the therapy room (as you say, almost everyone), when to me those moments often feel like successes in the therapy process - when someone gets to connect deeply to themself and perhaps release a layer of something they've been carrying. Our Western culture has a long way to go on this....
Wowser, Amber! There are several observation threads that you've artfully presented here with gentle inspection, without judgement. Then, you've offered practical questions and thoughts to reframe the ideas. I've learnt-unlearnt and now have fresh ideas! Amidst all this, you invited us into your grief, relived it and shared the cosy, capacious embrace of your family dynamics. I appreciate your gift of vulnerability to us, to help explain and share your thoughts. I LOVE your little 4-year-old's spirit! These were some beautifully crafted, heartfelt insights, Amber. Thank you.
Four of the eight quotes I'm saving (and because Christine has shared one of the others already!)
'What I can see now is how we all came to this year of shared grief with our own unique perspective and reactions.'
'I grappled with the limits around my own understanding of what happens after death. '
'They were already absorbing cultural messages about the “right way” to show emotion.'
'It’s a dialectic: It is important to model crying for our children AND crying in front of our children can be distressing for them.'
Oh the mouths of babes! I love this Amber! I found this incredibly insightful as a nurse and mother. I’d like to share that my grandfather died when my daughter was a few days old and I cried in the shower, didn’t want the baby to feel all of my grief. A few years later my dog who was 15 died, and I was completely inconsolable. Same daughter, who was now 5, asked me if we could get a new dog the next day! I’m generally not a crier and well I burst out laughing. ❤️
This was a wonderful read, Amber. Thank you for sharing your experience. I appreciated how you brought up that it's important to be mindful about crying as a parent. One memory stands out to me: when my son had surgery, I cried for many more days afterwards than he did because it was so upsetting to see him in pain during the recovery. He started saying, "Mommy keeps crying because my tummy hurts," which made me realise that in his little mind, he may have been blaming himself for my sadness. It opened up a thoughtful conversation between us about how my tears weren't his fault, but it also made me try to be more mindful of how I express myself in front of my children.
I love this anthology and the myriad of perspectives! Thanks for sharing your experiences and beliefs. I wish more people would mindfully cry!
Thanks for following the anthology Cindy! Its a neat experiment for writers and hopefully an enjoyable one for readers.
This is something I’ve wrestled with for decades, unsure of how to approach it and often fumbling through. Not only is this beautifully written, but it's also incredibly useful. Thank you!
I am so glad to hear it was helpful! Sounds like you have been doing this whole parenting thing for a lot longer than I have, and I can only imagine the complexity that comes with going through this with teens and young adults.
I love this! So well articulated and a great resource about crying!
I especially appreciate the highlighting of the fear crying as akin to losing control and the internalized messages that lead to that.
And when we cry in front of our kids, we give them the message that it's ok to cry and they are safe with us - so beautiful to create that sacred space.
Thank you Christine. I really do think it is such a gift when we approach emotions this way for our kids. And there are so many parents out there doing the tough work of un-learning their unhelpful patterns so that they can be that change for their kids. It's really inspiring. All the messages you provide each week about grief are so helpful with this mission!
I love how you've woven your personal experience together with your clinical expertise. I can relate to so much of it. We lost my father in law, and then my father within a few years of each other, and I wrote a few months back about the messiness of handling grief together with your children. Wondering about crying in front of them was part of that, as well as fumbling through answers to difficult questions, and appropriateness of them being present for viewing the body (as you shared about your dog). Also - both of my parents were therapists! But they modeled very different approaches to emotional regulation and expression. Thank you for offering some excellent pieces of advice and distinguishing how we might think about healthy vs unhealthy examples of emotional expression we display for our children.
What a beautiful, tender, relatable exploration of this subject Amber. It still surprises me how many people apologise for crying in the therapy room (as you say, almost everyone), when to me those moments often feel like successes in the therapy process - when someone gets to connect deeply to themself and perhaps release a layer of something they've been carrying. Our Western culture has a long way to go on this....
Wowser, Amber! There are several observation threads that you've artfully presented here with gentle inspection, without judgement. Then, you've offered practical questions and thoughts to reframe the ideas. I've learnt-unlearnt and now have fresh ideas! Amidst all this, you invited us into your grief, relived it and shared the cosy, capacious embrace of your family dynamics. I appreciate your gift of vulnerability to us, to help explain and share your thoughts. I LOVE your little 4-year-old's spirit! These were some beautifully crafted, heartfelt insights, Amber. Thank you.
Four of the eight quotes I'm saving (and because Christine has shared one of the others already!)
'What I can see now is how we all came to this year of shared grief with our own unique perspective and reactions.'
'I grappled with the limits around my own understanding of what happens after death. '
'They were already absorbing cultural messages about the “right way” to show emotion.'
'It’s a dialectic: It is important to model crying for our children AND crying in front of our children can be distressing for them.'
Oh the mouths of babes! I love this Amber! I found this incredibly insightful as a nurse and mother. I’d like to share that my grandfather died when my daughter was a few days old and I cried in the shower, didn’t want the baby to feel all of my grief. A few years later my dog who was 15 died, and I was completely inconsolable. Same daughter, who was now 5, asked me if we could get a new dog the next day! I’m generally not a crier and well I burst out laughing. ❤️
This was a wonderful read, Amber. Thank you for sharing your experience. I appreciated how you brought up that it's important to be mindful about crying as a parent. One memory stands out to me: when my son had surgery, I cried for many more days afterwards than he did because it was so upsetting to see him in pain during the recovery. He started saying, "Mommy keeps crying because my tummy hurts," which made me realise that in his little mind, he may have been blaming himself for my sadness. It opened up a thoughtful conversation between us about how my tears weren't his fault, but it also made me try to be more mindful of how I express myself in front of my children.
So grateful for you parsing this out. Like you, I field this question from parents all the time. I’ll be saving this to send to clients ❤️