Disengaging from Unhelpful Thoughts Part 2: The Power of Metaphors
Some of my favorite metaphors to share with clients in therapy and a download for you!
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In my last article, I suggested that we do not need to engage or respond to all of our thoughts. Many readers were interested in learning more techniques for disengaging from unhelpful thoughts, so this week I am sharing some common metaphors for this process. These extended metaphors can be used as visualizations to aid you as you practice relating to your thoughts in a new way.
If you missed the beginning of the conversation, check out Part 1 from last time: Disengaging from Unhelpful Thoughts. There, I clarified what I mean by “unhelpful thoughts.” I also defined “cognitive fusion”, a term from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) that describes how we naturally relate to most of our thoughts. When we are fused with thoughts, we consider our thoughts to be reality, instead of a product of our minds that may or may not be an accurate reflection of (objective) reality.
ACT teaches us to practice “cognitive defusion”, a process that allows us to relate differently with our mind. Defusion is a practice of distancing from thoughts, viewing them as words in our mind that we can accept or reject.
To experience the power of defusion, take a piece of paper and write or imagine one of your current troublesome thoughts written on the page.
Now, hold the paper right in front of your eyes, practically touching your nose. The words on the paper are all you can see. Take a moment and notice what that is like. What does your mind do? What sensations arise in your body?
Now, extend your arm and move the page away. The words should still be in your line of sight, but now there is space between you and the thought. You can take in the details of the room around you. You may notice that you and these words exist in a greater context.
Again, notice what that experience is like. What happens in your mind? What happens in your body? How does it compare to having the thought right in front of your nose?
What can we do with that precious space between us and our thoughts? Maybe it allows you take in other, relevant facts about yourself and the situation. Most likely, it gives you some wiggle room to choose what to do next. Do you want to keep staring at those words? Or is there something else that needs your attention? If so, luckily enough, you have the space to turn your attention there. When the page is in front of your nose, there is no escaping it. It looks like that’s all there is.
Cognitive defusion techniques help us practice putting that space between us and our thoughts.
If you are fused with a thought, you are likely assuming the thought is meaningful in some way. The thought is creating an emotion, and may even lead you to take some action.
For example, imagine I am preparing for a social event. I could be thinking, “I’m terrified to go to this party this weekend. I hardly know anyone. I am going to look like a loser and everyone will be judging me.”
If I’m fused with those thoughts, I will likely feel anxious about the party. I am going to dread going. I may find myself trying to mentally prepare for every awkward conversation or rehearse my exit strategies. I may try to argue with the thoughts, to try to convince myself that it will not be that bad. I may decide to avoid the party entirely.
All of those responses assume that there is validity to the worries I have about the party. I am trying to solve the problem of how awkward I will be at the party.
Defusion takes a different perspective. From a defused state, I might start by just noticing “I am having the thought that ‘I am going to look like a loser’ and another thought that ‘everyone will be judging me.’ These thoughts make me feel anxious.”
I may recall that I often have these thoughts before social situations, and usually, everything goes just fine.
I no longer have an “awkwardness” problem. I have a thought problem. Thankfully, it is only a problem if I take the thought seriously.
How do we know if thoughts are helpful or unhelpful?
Simply asking ourselves the question, “Is this thought helpful” is the beginning of defusion. Not all thoughts are made equally. Some of what pops into our minds may be helpful. Brilliant even! Perhaps you are noticing something lovely, or funny, or coming up with a creative project. Maybe it's a “what if” thought that warrants consideration, and leads to productive problem solving. Maybe it’s a memory that brings a smile to your face.
Most likely, these thoughts will come and go without causing distress. You won’t think to question them. And that is fine! We don’t need to fix what’s not broken.
That being said, we can still notice that all our thoughts are artifacts of our thinking minds. You can still practice putting space in between you and “helpful” thoughts, but in this case, when given the choice to engage or not engage, you may decide it’s helpful to engage with the thought.
I’m reminded of an artist, Tom Deininger, who makes 3D art out of discarded objects. Essentially, he uses trash to create incredibly complex and beautiful sculptures, but you can only see them as art when viewing from a distance. Upon closer examination, you can see the individual objects for what they really are. Perhaps our thoughts are similar. It’s tempting to make interpretations, but at the end of the day, the thoughts are still just strings of words.
Some other questions to help you in labeling your thoughts as helpful or unhelpful:
Is this thought relevant to here and now? Is it pulling me into the future or the past? Does it impact my next steps?
Is this thought workable? Does it give me any useful information or direction?
Have I coped with similar thoughts before? What was that like and what did I learn?
Metaphors
Metaphors can be useful for illustrating how to relate to thoughts in this way. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) relies heavily on metaphors, and I have acquired these particular ones through various trainings and readings. I take no responsibility for them, but I do think they are brilliant! Here are two of my favorites:
Treat your thoughts like an unwelcome party guest: Imagine your mind like a party, and you are the host. All your thoughts, feelings, and urges are represented as different guests at the party. Many of them are folks you invited, so you greet them warmly and ask them to hang around awhile. There are also a few people at this party that were not invited. Maybe a friend invited a friend, and it’s someone you never particularly liked.
Imagine the doorbell rings and you when you open the door, there they are, surprise! How would you respond? You might notice an urge to ask what they are doing at your party. Maybe you want to shut the door in their face. You could do that. But responding that way would probably cause a disruption and tension at the party. It would kill the vibe. So instead, you open the door and welcome them in. You let them mingle and do their thing, but you do not go out of your way to chat. You do not try to make them feel welcome or unwelcome, you just ignore them. You turn your attention towards your friends and your other responsibilities as host. You can enjoy the party, even while the unwelcome guests (thoughts) are present.
Can you imagine taking a similar attitude towards unhelpful thoughts?
Here is a popular youtube video depiction of this metaphor, if you would like to explore it further.
Imagine your thoughts as heckler in the crowd, while you are giving an important speech: Imagine your unhelpful thoughts on a heckler’s sign as they jeer and try to distract your attention. What would it look to engage? You might stop your speech and try to interact with the nay-sayers. You might ask for their opinions and attempt to hear them out. Or maybe you respond with hostility and defensiveness. You could call security to have them removed. But none of those responses are going to support you in your original goal, to give your speech to the rest of your audience. In fact, it would probably be further disruptive and distracting. In contrast, you could behave as though they are irrelevant. Turn your attention back to the crowd and the important message you want to share. Will you still be aware that the heckler is in the crowd? Probably. Can you continue on your way anyway? That is the practice.
Imagine you thoughts as passengers on a bus: Imagine a bus that represents you and the direction you are headed today. At the head of the bus there’s a little screen that notes the destination, and you get decide what is on the sign. You also get decide which way the bus turns and where it stops. Easy right? Well, the tricky part is that, this is a busy bus. It is full of passengers, who represent your different thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations. Take a moment and note, who is on the bus with you (what thoughts, feelings and sensations are you noticing?)
Every passenger is trying to get your attention. They want you to turn here or stop there. They have a different destination in mind. If you listen to every one, you will never get where you need to go. You might end up driving around in circles. To get to your destination, you have to drive the bus without getting distracted with every passenger.
What is the destination at the front of your bus?
If you liked this metaphor, here is a youtube depiction to hear it in a different way.
I hope that these metaphors have helped illustrate the process of disengaging with thoughts. Do you think cognitive defusion will help you relate to your thoughts differently? Do you have other metaphors that make sense to you? I would love to chat in the comments.
If these ideas were helpful to you, I hope you will like, share, and subscribe.
I also created a pdf document with these metaphors that you can download and keep easily accessible. You can download it here!
Disclosure: Dr. Amber_Writes is a newsletter designed to be informational, entertaining, and engaging. It is not therapy. Following this newsletter does not establish a therapeutic relationship with me. Dr. Amber_Writes, and other written communication by Amber Groomes on Substack, is not a substitute for treatment, diagnosis, or consultation with a licensed mental health professional. I assume no liability for any action taken in reliance on my writing here at Dr. Amber_Writes.
This is such a clear overview of the concept of though fusion and defusion. I used to deliver group therapy and this was a concept we used, we did the exercise with the piece of paper too! And it worked ☺️
I loved the "uninvited party guest" metaphor!