I definitely didn’t jump on this notification as a way to escape the current emotion I’m meant to be sitting with 🫣🫠 still, a helpful read — thank you!
We all do it at times 😂 And you know, sometimes a little avoidance and distraction is ok too. Not EVERY emotion has to be "sat" with EVERY time. Thanks for reading Suzanne!
Thank you for this Amber - really helpful to explain 'how to' do it! being with my feelings rather than trying to escape them was absolutely essential to learn when I was quitting drinking. So many of us grow up being shamed, punished and rejected for feeling and expressing emotions and so we believe they are bad and even dangerous. When I developed the practice - and it took time! and it's still hard - of lovingly being with my emotions, noticing and welcoming them as thy are - that changed everything for me.
I love this comment Ellie. I appreciate how you are adding in that step of acceptance of the emotions, and maybe even welcoming and appreciating them. And yes, so important to any substance use recovery! I might do another post that talks more about the various experiences that get in the way of learning how to do this naturally. Thanks for reading and commenting, it is so appreciated.
I love that you've found such a healthy way to process your emotions and you are totally right about growing up being dismissed/shamed/rejected and punished for "bad" emotions...
This is why I've been doing so much work over the years with my children.. leading by example and showing them healthy ways to process our 'difficult' emotions and making sure they feel accepted with ALL their emotions...
Whilst being clear that not all BEHAVIOUR will be accepted. I think making that distinction (between the feelings and the behaviour) with our kids is so important 👍🥰
Yes Eva - I love this! I do the same with my son. And I often say to him ‘I love you when you’re angry/sad etc’ and I tell him ‘Even if I’m angry, I still love you’. I wish I had heard these words myself as a child, because I used to believe when my parents were angry with me that they hated me. And I now say these words to myself sometimes ‘Ellie: I love you when you’re angry, when you’re jealous, when you’re grumpy’ etc to reinforce that I love and accept ALL parts of myself x
My five year old likes to play the game of "will you love me if..." and some of the stuff she says is so unhinged 😂Like, "will you love me if I go to jail..." 🤪 There's also a really cute book called "I love you stinky face" that is great for young kids.
Having said that... I'm by no means perfect and just earlier today told my teenager to "take your bad mood and miserable face away and come back when you've cheered up!" Ooops.. 🙈 I guess that makes me human! 😆 I did apologise later.
None of us are doing it perfectly, and thankfully, showing our kids our imperfections is important too. Just the act of apologizing to our kids is modeling how to mess up and repair in a relationship. And it's a way of acknowledging and validating their feelings as well.
I appreciate you fleshing this out. It can be hard to articulate exactly what it means to sit with one’s feelings. I also laughed when you said, you don’t actually have to be sitting. Such a good point 😂😂
You're very welcome, Amber and thank you - I'm more than happy to amplify and spread the reach of these actionable insights as much as possible, especially right now! Thank for writing this.
I appreciate how you untangle what feels complex (especially emotionally complex) into meaningful bite-sized actions/relatable advice.
Thanks for sending this my way. I had read it before and found Amber’s work valuable. It never ceases to amaze me how much of a goldmine Substack is and how much more there is to find.
Amber, I really appreciate the way you slow things down in this piece—how you don’t just name the emotional terrain, but walk us through it with care. It feels both grounded and spacious, like you’re making room for people to find their own footing.
I relate to so much of what you shared, though over time, I’ve found myself growing beyond the early discomfort of “just sit with the feeling” into something that feels more like an internal ritual—something I call the P.A.S.T. response.
Pause. First, I notice the voice—not the words, but the tension. My body always speaks first. The tight shoulders. A clenched jaw. That drop in my belly. I don’t try to rush past it anymore. I just stop.
Acknowledge. I name what’s here. “Ah, this again—that voice that says I’m not enough.” I don’t push it away. I just let it be seen.
Soften. I offer some kind of warmth. A breath. A hand to my chest. A quiet reminder: “You’re not alone in this.” I don’t need to silence the voice—I only need to stay with myself.
Tend. I do something gentle. A sip of tea. Writing a few lines. Letting the cat curl up beside me. I remind myself: I’m not here to fix the past—I’m here to care for this moment.
Naming my feelings and needs—clearly, honestly, and without rushing to self-correct—has been essential. Learning the language of my inner life has helped me respond with more kindness and less fear.
Your reflection met me right where I am, and I’m grateful for that. There’s something deeply human in the way you write—something that makes space for others to just be. Thank you.
Jay, this is fantastic. Did you develop that acronym on your own? Can I borrow it to share with clients? I love the way you build in the acceptance and the compassion. So good. If you already have a piece you’ve written on this, I would love to link to it. Thank you for sharing (and for your generous words on my writing as well ❤️)
I love this. I recently transitioned my therapy practice to Acceptance & Commitment Therapy and this is something I try to work with clients on (and also for myself). The way you frame this and explain it simply is really helpful.
Loved this, Amber - thank you! I'm definitely going to share this with some clients. I often end up using IFS and parts work (the 6 Fs usually) with clients who are struggling with how to sit with feelings. Or even a more gestalt putting the part/feeling in a chair and having a conversation can be useful too.
You know, I did mean to put a little disclaimer in there that this is just one approach (the CBT/ACT approach probably) but not the ONLY approach! That would actually make an interesting series/collaboration to have, with other therapists sharing their "how-to" from a different therapeutic orientation....
This was so helpful and eye opening. It helped me realize I’m ruminating all day long lately as I’m drowning in major life stressors. Thank you for writing this.
Thank you! This is such a brilliant article. I am a huge fan of inner child work, and it has taken me nearly 20 years of therapy to learn how to do this - I have a chronic freeze trauma response, and unlearn how to judge, shame and dismiss my feelings. It turns out I’m a deeply sensitive person who is happier when she is connected to ALL her feelings. I often say to myself, ‘ALL feelings are welcome.’ You just gotta keep riding those waves.
I definitely didn’t jump on this notification as a way to escape the current emotion I’m meant to be sitting with 🫣🫠 still, a helpful read — thank you!
We all do it at times 😂 And you know, sometimes a little avoidance and distraction is ok too. Not EVERY emotion has to be "sat" with EVERY time. Thanks for reading Suzanne!
If I did that, I'd never get anything done! 🤣
😆
Thank you for this Amber - really helpful to explain 'how to' do it! being with my feelings rather than trying to escape them was absolutely essential to learn when I was quitting drinking. So many of us grow up being shamed, punished and rejected for feeling and expressing emotions and so we believe they are bad and even dangerous. When I developed the practice - and it took time! and it's still hard - of lovingly being with my emotions, noticing and welcoming them as thy are - that changed everything for me.
I love this comment Ellie. I appreciate how you are adding in that step of acceptance of the emotions, and maybe even welcoming and appreciating them. And yes, so important to any substance use recovery! I might do another post that talks more about the various experiences that get in the way of learning how to do this naturally. Thanks for reading and commenting, it is so appreciated.
I love that you've found such a healthy way to process your emotions and you are totally right about growing up being dismissed/shamed/rejected and punished for "bad" emotions...
This is why I've been doing so much work over the years with my children.. leading by example and showing them healthy ways to process our 'difficult' emotions and making sure they feel accepted with ALL their emotions...
Whilst being clear that not all BEHAVIOUR will be accepted. I think making that distinction (between the feelings and the behaviour) with our kids is so important 👍🥰
Yes Eva - I love this! I do the same with my son. And I often say to him ‘I love you when you’re angry/sad etc’ and I tell him ‘Even if I’m angry, I still love you’. I wish I had heard these words myself as a child, because I used to believe when my parents were angry with me that they hated me. And I now say these words to myself sometimes ‘Ellie: I love you when you’re angry, when you’re jealous, when you’re grumpy’ etc to reinforce that I love and accept ALL parts of myself x
My five year old likes to play the game of "will you love me if..." and some of the stuff she says is so unhinged 😂Like, "will you love me if I go to jail..." 🤪 There's also a really cute book called "I love you stinky face" that is great for young kids.
That’s great! 🥰 Such a good idea to say it to yourself too, love that! Might have to try it ❤️x
Having said that... I'm by no means perfect and just earlier today told my teenager to "take your bad mood and miserable face away and come back when you've cheered up!" Ooops.. 🙈 I guess that makes me human! 😆 I did apologise later.
None of us are doing it perfectly, and thankfully, showing our kids our imperfections is important too. Just the act of apologizing to our kids is modeling how to mess up and repair in a relationship. And it's a way of acknowledging and validating their feelings as well.
I appreciate you fleshing this out. It can be hard to articulate exactly what it means to sit with one’s feelings. I also laughed when you said, you don’t actually have to be sitting. Such a good point 😂😂
Some of us are very literal when learning new skills LOL
🤣
This article is so important! Bookmarking for sharing with others 💗
This is a really great article, @Amber Groomes,Ph.D. (she/her) —so concise and actionable, and of course very relatable, like all your articles.
I would like to find a good spot to link to it in Carer Mentor, if that's ok?
This article goes well with the two you did on Self-Compassion, in particular 'Meet Your Grief With Self-Compassion.'
I'm sure many more readers will resonate and hopefully restack this so that even more people can benefit from your work.
xo
@Mika @Steph Wright @JoAnn Jarman @Anne @Judi Bailey, M.Ed @Kirbie Earley @Jeannie Moloo
Thank you Victoria ❤️ Of course, please link to it if you feel it’s a good fit :) I appreciate you helping it find more readers.
FYI I just recommended this article in Midstack: https://midstack.substack.com/p/share-your-writing-and-our-april
Another great opportunity for it to help others.
In case you've time to write a separate comment too.
You're very welcome, Amber and thank you - I'm more than happy to amplify and spread the reach of these actionable insights as much as possible, especially right now! Thank for writing this.
I appreciate how you untangle what feels complex (especially emotionally complex) into meaningful bite-sized actions/relatable advice.
That may be a great blurb for your work!! ;-)
Thanks for sending this my way. I had read it before and found Amber’s work valuable. It never ceases to amaze me how much of a goldmine Substack is and how much more there is to find.
Amber, I really appreciate the way you slow things down in this piece—how you don’t just name the emotional terrain, but walk us through it with care. It feels both grounded and spacious, like you’re making room for people to find their own footing.
I relate to so much of what you shared, though over time, I’ve found myself growing beyond the early discomfort of “just sit with the feeling” into something that feels more like an internal ritual—something I call the P.A.S.T. response.
Pause. First, I notice the voice—not the words, but the tension. My body always speaks first. The tight shoulders. A clenched jaw. That drop in my belly. I don’t try to rush past it anymore. I just stop.
Acknowledge. I name what’s here. “Ah, this again—that voice that says I’m not enough.” I don’t push it away. I just let it be seen.
Soften. I offer some kind of warmth. A breath. A hand to my chest. A quiet reminder: “You’re not alone in this.” I don’t need to silence the voice—I only need to stay with myself.
Tend. I do something gentle. A sip of tea. Writing a few lines. Letting the cat curl up beside me. I remind myself: I’m not here to fix the past—I’m here to care for this moment.
Naming my feelings and needs—clearly, honestly, and without rushing to self-correct—has been essential. Learning the language of my inner life has helped me respond with more kindness and less fear.
Your reflection met me right where I am, and I’m grateful for that. There’s something deeply human in the way you write—something that makes space for others to just be. Thank you.
Jay, this is fantastic. Did you develop that acronym on your own? Can I borrow it to share with clients? I love the way you build in the acceptance and the compassion. So good. If you already have a piece you’ve written on this, I would love to link to it. Thank you for sharing (and for your generous words on my writing as well ❤️)
Amber, glad you like it. Yes, I developed it. I shared it first in Notes and later in this Essay https://wildlionessespride.substack.com/p/rediscovering-myself-through-depth I would give you permission to use it with attribution.
I love this. I recently transitioned my therapy practice to Acceptance & Commitment Therapy and this is something I try to work with clients on (and also for myself). The way you frame this and explain it simply is really helpful.
Yes! ACT is my happy place these days as well, although I am also still learning it!
Fantastic piece Amber! 👏 Thank you for writing this... will be sharing far and wide for sure 🥰
Love this! This is such a great piece. Takes the fear and confusion out of sitting with our emotions.
Thanks Claire! I am so glad that folks are finding it helpful.
Lovely piece Amber. So simple and yet something we all struggle so much with! Thanks for the mention of my article 🙏
Thanks for reading Vicki! I’m very (pleasantly) surprised at the response to this one.
Wonderful that it's doing so well 😀 (and always fascinating to see what people respond to!)
You should lead a discussion group on this topic!
Loved this, Amber - thank you! I'm definitely going to share this with some clients. I often end up using IFS and parts work (the 6 Fs usually) with clients who are struggling with how to sit with feelings. Or even a more gestalt putting the part/feeling in a chair and having a conversation can be useful too.
Thanks again for your work!
You know, I did mean to put a little disclaimer in there that this is just one approach (the CBT/ACT approach probably) but not the ONLY approach! That would actually make an interesting series/collaboration to have, with other therapists sharing their "how-to" from a different therapeutic orientation....
Love this idea! We should all collab.
I'm open to that!
This was so helpful and eye opening. It helped me realize I’m ruminating all day long lately as I’m drowning in major life stressors. Thank you for writing this.
The rumination is so challenging. This would be a great topic for another article, I will see what I can do!
This is great. I love that you included where you feel it in your body. I feel this is a crucial step ❤️
It's so important! The somatic piece is definitely the most challenging for me, so I am still learning too :)
Thank you! This is such a brilliant article. I am a huge fan of inner child work, and it has taken me nearly 20 years of therapy to learn how to do this - I have a chronic freeze trauma response, and unlearn how to judge, shame and dismiss my feelings. It turns out I’m a deeply sensitive person who is happier when she is connected to ALL her feelings. I often say to myself, ‘ALL feelings are welcome.’ You just gotta keep riding those waves.
Love this Lisa. Makes me think of the poem "The Guest House" by Rumi.
Thanks for this