Knowing When to Drop the Rope
Why accepting the unacceptable may be the kindest thing we can do for ourselves
Have you ever been told to practice “acceptance” by a therapist, a self-help book, or a well-intentioned friend? Perhaps you have heard the quote, “Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional?1” What was your reaction?
No one likes to be told that we are playing a hand in our own suffering. I argue, however, that acceptance is the kindest thing we can do for ourselves when a difficult situation is outside of our control.
What is Acceptance?
When I say “acceptance” I mean a wise and intentional surrender in a battle that you cannot win. Acceptance is acknowledging our limits; some things are outside of our control, some pain is unavoidable.
Acceptance is not approval, permission, or appreciation. Accepting is not agreeing or condoning.
You are simply saying, “I know I cannot change this, so I will let it be and feel whatever I have to feel.” Acceptance means willingness to feel painful emotions, without escaping, avoiding, or fighting back.
Acceptance is not the answer to every painful circumstance or emotion. There are many obstacles where we have the power to make a difference, where problem-solving is necessary and impactful.
Other times, we are faced with painful circumstances where there is nothing to be done, and we cause ourselves further pain and suffering when we refuse to acknowledge that there is no changing the facts.
What must we accept?
The past happened the way it happened.
The facts of our present reality.
We cannot control the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of others.
There are forces beyond our control, like the weather and passing of time.
Renowned psychologist Dr. Marsha Linehan2 writes that “refusing to accept reality turns pain into suffering.” Pain is an unavoidable part of being human. Suffering, on the other hand, develops from our fruitless attempts at resisting or changing the primary pain.
There are countless ways that we resist acceptance, but they all keep us stuck in painful emotions.
Sometimes resistance feels like an angry lawyer in your head who is continually making a case for why this terrible thing should not be happening. You find yourself laying out the facts again and again to convince an invisible jury that your version is the only truth. Or the resistance may be quieter than this, a subtle refusal to acknowledge the reality, to really look at it and feel the depth of the pain.
Resistance shows up in behavior. Maybe you are fighting a battle that is not yours to fight or insisting that others take actions that they are not willing or able to take. You may be hung up on questions that have no answers. Maybe you are avoiding taking a certain step forward while you wait for something that is never going to happen.
Whenever I am suggesting the strategy of acceptance, I worry that it may be perceived as invalidating or blaming. To be clear, I am not saying that one should “let it go” or that your problem is not a big deal. Sometimes we are challenged to accept exceptionally painful circumstances, such as loss, chronic illness, or the limitations of those we love the most. It is challenging work.
Acceptance may initially lead to more intense grief or disappointment. But allowing yourself to feel that pain in the short term will permit more healing and peace in the long term.
Acceptance may be the door that opens us to a deeper level of processing and understanding our experiences. It may free up our mind and emotional energy for other, more productive action. When resistance keeps us stuck, acceptance can be a catalyst for change.
If I can accept... the painful circumstances of my loved one's death, Then I can... move forward with building a fulfilling life that incudes grieving and honoring my loved one. If I can accept... that I cannot change my partner's harmful behavior, Then I can... decide how to best move forward in the relationship that I have and grieve the relationship I hoped for. I can set boundaries to honor my needs. If I can accept... that I have a chronic illness, and my body works differently now, Then I can... build a worthwhile life with chronic pain. I can permit accommodations that allow me to live as freely and comfortably as possible.
Acceptance can seem abstract. You may be wondering, “Ok, but how do I do it?” The process is quiet but not passive. It may be helpful to consider the following questions and commit your answers to paper.
What are the circumstances that you are trying to accept? Why do you feel that acceptance is the only reasonable action at this point? Remind your future self why you have decided to practice acceptance.
What would it look like if you were to be accepting instead of resisting? What internal or external behaviors would you stop doing? What actions might you take that you have been avoiding?
What red flags would signal that you are NOT accepting?
What might you gain by accepting this reality?
Acceptance is not a one and done deal. It is a practice of noticing when you are falling back into resistance or avoidance, and actively turning your attention back to your goal of acceptance.
Statements that promote acceptance
I cannot change what happened, but I can choose how I respond.
I can feel this grief (or disappointment, guilt, betrayal, etc.) and it will not harm me.
I am willing to feel this.
I needed my own reminder to practice acceptance when my husband was deep in his battle with alcoholism. Behind every addicted person is a loved one going absolutely crazy with fear, sadness, and rage. I tried everything to make him stop drinking. I blamed everyone I could think to blame, including myself. I helped other people with their mental health everyday, so why was I failing my partner?
Eventually I began attending a support group3 for family members impacted by addiction. The group instructor often reminded the participants that our loved one’s behavior was out of our control.
We were instructed to imagine ourselves wearing a hula hoop; inside the circle are the things we can control. These include our own body, thoughts, actions, and wishes.
Outside the hula hoop is what we cannot control, namely the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of others. Also outside the hula hoop is “the weather”, which I thought of as a symbol for all the forces and systems that impact our lives without our consent, like forces of nature and the passing of time.
Only once I accepted that I could not make my husband stop drinking, could I stop wasting time and energy on helping or fixing his situation. This allowed me to turn my attention to protecting myself and our children more fully. When I started focusing on myself and what I could control, ironically, I was able to take actions that ultimately motivated my husband to take his recovery into his own hands.
Acceptance was terrifying. It meant acknowledging that I could not protect my husband from himself. I had to confront the fact that he may die or suffer some other catastrophe and I could not stop that from happening.
Accepting what I could not change allowed me to turn my attention and energy to places where I had the power to make a difference. I had to drop the rope. But that was never where my strength lay in the first place.
I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences on the practice of acceptance. Is it just tough love? Or a useful gift? Feel free to start a discussion in the comments.
If this article was helpful, please let me know in the comments, or show your support with a ‘like’ or a ‘share.’ Your engagement helps promote more work to more people, and I am so grateful.
Want to learn more?
Dr. Marsha Linehan teaches “radical acceptance” as a skill in Dialectical Behavior Therapy. You can learn more about DBT from books like The Dialectical Behavior Skills Workbook by Matthew McKay, PhD., Jeffrey C. Wood, PsyD., and Jeffrey Brantley, MD.
Dr. Tara Brach popularized the concept of acceptance in her book Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy teaches acceptance as a foundational skill. Here’s an illustration of a popular ACT metaphor called “The Unwanted Party Guest”
It’s important to note that Western psychology has borrowed the concept of acceptance from Buddhism and Eastern Philosophy.
This quote is attributed to different sources, and it is often described as a Buddhist saying. It was used by Haruki Murakami in his memoir What I Talk About When I Talk About Running.
DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition by Marsha Linehan
I went to SMART Recovery support groups for “Family and Friends”
Learning the art of acceptance was the 'gift' that came with my infertility journey. It taught me to say yes to the life that is happening, rather than the one that lives in my head. It's been a hugely helpful lesson that has completely changed the way I show up in life
thanks for sharing your vulnerability. for me, i am growing to accept that my siblings and mother will never be the family that I want, and that I will be the lone caregiver to my aging parents. hopefully the disappointment of the gaps they leave in my life will dissolve with time.
sending love to myself and to all ❤