Lessons From “Adolescence”: Tips For Raising Resilient Boys

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“How will I raise a good man?”

This was one of the first thoughts I had after learning that my first baby would be born a boy. I felt the weight of responsibility. I still do.

I was reminded of that question again after watching the Netflix mini-series Adolescence. If you have spent any time on the internet lately, then you know that this show has really captured our attention. Many see it as a wake up call for parents that “boys are in crisis”.

Given the immense public response to the show, I have no doubt that many parents are feeling anxious after watching. If you are a parent of teenagers, then worries about internet bad guys are probably already familiar. But even parents of young children may be questioning how they can do better for their boys. Although Adolescence has sparked numerous analyses and conversations in the media, there seems to be very little guidance for parents who will be understandably distressed and wanting to know how to best protect their children.

Adolescence begins with tragedy: a 13-year-old boy, Jamie, is accused of violently murdering a female classmate, Katie. But why would he do it? The show directors skillfully explore that question, letting the audience experience the family, school, and community that raised Jamie.

We see a rowdy school community where teachers are overwhelmed and distracted. The students antagonize and bully one another with seemingly little consequences and no regard for the authority in the room.

We see the bewilderment of the parents, teachers, and police who, despite their best intentions, are clueless about the social dynamics of the young teenagers in their care.

Then we meet Jamie. In an enlightening interview with a forensic psychologist, his initial charm quickly fades, exposing a boy who is self-loathing, confused, and looking for someone to blame. He is vehemently protective of his father, who he idolizes and describes as angry. He shares misogynistic and dangerous understandings of what is normal behavior, and uses those distorted views to justify his violent behavior. He simultaneously feels both unworthy of female attention and entitled to it. Jamie shows the audience the depth of his insecurity and how it is soothed by misogynistic myths that blame girls and women. The result is rage and aggression.

In the search for why, the police looked for a motive. In contrast, the psychologist looked at Jamie’s beliefs about what it means to be a man. Beginning in infancy, boys receive messages about how to experience their emotions and what behaviors are appropriate for boys. Just as importantly, they receive strong messages about what it means to be a girl and how girls and boys are supposed to relate to one another. (Notably absent are messages about how human gender identity exists on a continuum that includes more than just “girl” and “boy” but that is a conversation for another time.)

For me, the most telling part of Jamie’s history was an anecdote recalled separately by both Jamie and his father. Jamie described his father taking him to soccer practice when he was younger. His father tells us that he hoped the sport would help to “toughen” Jamie up. When young Jamie struggled, other fathers jeered and laughed at him. Instead of intervening, Jamie’s father stayed quiet and looked away. Jamie recalls feeling that his father was ashamed of him. For his part, the father says “I couldn’t look at him…I couldn’t look at me own boy”

This event demonstrates the ways that patriarchal rules hurt boys by prescribing a strict and limited code of masculine behavior. Why was it so important that Jamie be “toughened up”? Young boys learn that to be masculine means to be strong and unemotional. They are not allowed to experience the full range of human emotions, making it impossible for boys to be vulnerable. They are expected to perform their masculinity in traditional ways, like sports and other displays of physical strength and athleticism, limiting their opportunity to explore other hobbies and interests. Failing at masculinity is socially and emotionally devastating.

It would be easy to see the show as a warning about the dangers of hateful internet communities that lure vulnerable children and warp their minds. It is that, but Jamie’s violence is also a result of so much more. The rules of patriarchy set boys up to be disconnected from their emotions, discouraged from genuine social connections, and expected to abide by a limited code of acceptable male behavior. Then, when boys find themselves lonely, sad, and rejected, an internet “manosphere” invites them to blame girls, women, and feminism.

Supervising our teens on-line is important for protecting them from dangerous influences (and the consequences of their own poor choices) but as we know from studying other risky adolescent behavior, adult supervision alone is insufficient. As parents, there are many ways that we can raise our boys to be more resilient in a patriarchal society.

What Parents Can Do

• Combat gender stereotypes: Boys receive strong cultural messages that discourage vulnerability and punish them for experiencing the full range of emotions. Parents can counteract this by

  • Actively and enthusiastically teaching emotional vocabulary, modeling emotional expression, and validating emotional expression in boys.

  • Praise young boys for a diverse range of strengths, noticing when they are cooperative, observant, patient, creative, etc.

  • Provide access to media that shows well rounded male and female role models.

  • Be sure to call out and counteract female stereotypes as well (such as a focus on physical appearance or stereotypes about what girls can and cannot do).

• Keep it co-ed and encourage mixed gender friendships: Research suggests that spending time with peers from diverse gender groups allows children a natural opportunity to challenge stereotypes and develop empathy and respect for everyone.

• Create routines that incorporate family time: To counteract the amount of time that kids spend alone on screens, be intentional about including a little family time each day. This should be time to check in with kids about their day. Families are busy, but remember: this time is about quality, not quantity. Boys and teens may be more likely to talk while engaged in another activity, or even during a drive.

• Create real life peer and social support: Loneliness drives kids to find support and connection online. Start early and be creative in helping your child find other kids with shared interests.

  • If your child is consistently being left-out, bullied, or in conflict, consider consulting with a mental health professional that specializes in childhood and adolescence. A good therapist can help identify what may be contributing to social challenges, and address gaps in skills or knowledge.

• Monitor screen time:

  • Know what your children are doing online. Ask about what is happening on social media and online spaces just as much as you ask about what’s happening in the school cafeteria or at soccer practice.

  • Help teens think critically about what they see and do on social media. Ask questions and encourage reflection.

  • When teens share their feelings about what is happening on social media, take them seriously and really listen. A great deal of teen socialization is happening on social media and if parents are dismissive or critical, teens are less likely to share their experiences.

• Begin early with conversations about body autonomy and consent: Teaching consent involves more than one awkward conversation about sex in adolescence.

  • Parents can begin teaching about bodily autonomy and physical boundaries as early as toddlerhood.

  • By middle school, parents can be helping their children identify sexist and misogynistic behavior and language and explaining why it is harmful.

  • Comprehensive sex education should teach that consent to ALL romantic and sexual behavior should be enthusiastic and on-going (i.e. Consent is not a one-time deal).

• Talk with teens about sexting and pornography: Parents should be having clear and constructive conversations with their teens about sexting and pornography.

  • Explain the risks associated with these behaviors

  • Explain how the rules of consent apply in virtual spaces

  • Make sure teens understand the laws that apply to sharing pictures and videos

  • Keep a non-judgmental, non-shaming attitude

Adolescence has sparked so many important conversations already. Here are a few pieces you might want to check out:

“How To Talk To Teens About ‘Adolescence’” on Teen Health Today by Christopher Pepper

Never heard of incels and the “manosphere”? Here is a guide to this dangerous corner of the internet: “The Incelosphere: Exposing pathways into incel communities and the harms they pose to women and children.”

Did you watch Adolescence? Have thoughts on what it is like to raise boys in 2025? I would love to meet you in the comments!

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Disclaimer: This article is a reflection of my personal and professional experiences as a licensed clinical psychologist. It reflects my current and best understanding of these issues. It is intended to be educational and informative, but is not medical, clinical, or therapeutic advice. Any questions about your personal mental health treatment should be directed to your personal medical professional. You can find a therapist at Psychology Today.

Dr. Amber_Writes is a newsletter designed to be informational, entertaining, and engaging. It is not therapy. Following this newsletter does not establish a therapeutic relationship with me. Dr. Amber_Writes, and other written communication by Amber Groomes on Substack, is not a substitute for treatment, diagnosis, or consultation with a licensed mental health professional. I assume no liability for any action taken in reliance on my writing here at Dr. Amber_Writes.