Self-Compassion In Motherhood Is A Radical Act

Sometimes, moms deserve to do what's best for themselves. Period.

If you are new here, welcome to Dr. Amber_Writes. I am a clinical psychologist who writes weekly about mental health. I aim to bring you evidenced-based information, with a personal touch. Check out this post to read more about why I started writing in the first place. If you want to hear from me again, subscribe any time.

Photo by Liv Bruce on Unsplash

Have you ever noticed how often self-help and wellness is sold to mothers under the promise that what is good for mothers is good for their children? This sentiment is reinforced everywhere with messages like “healing a mother means healing the whole family” and “care for your child by caring for yourself.”

As a mother, these messages speak to me. Of course I feel soothed by the idea that a choice I make for myself is also what is best for my children. As a therapist, I have used similar reminders to motivate mothers to prioritize their own mental and physical well-being every once in awhile.

But more recently, I’ve found myself hesitating. I wish that we could encourage mothers to do what is best for themselves simply because that is what they need or want, without always needing to justify these choices as what is best for the entire family.

Most recently, I have been noticing this tension when I am teaching the skill of self-compassion. In my therapy practice, I often teach mothers about self-compassion to counteract mom-guilt . Most moms can see the value in the concept pretty quickly. Although they know it will be challenging to implement, they buy-in to the idea that what is good for their mental health is, by extension, good for their children. But the real a-ha moment comes when they realize the opportunity to model self-compassion for their children. No mother wants their child to inherit a strong inner critic. To learn self-compassion in order to teach it to their children; well, that’s a project many moms can get behind.

This is the same logic that moms use to justify many of the completely normal things that they need to do to prioritize their well-being:

Getting the kids to sleep in their own bed? Better sleep is good for mom, but it’s also good for the kids!

Taking a weekend away? It’s good for kids to feel some independence!

Making yourself a doctor’s appointment? Kids need mom healthy!

Using our children as motivation to do the challenging work of self-improvement is not necessarily a bad thing. But I become worried when I see parents who are struggling to prioritize their well-being in very reasonable ways, who can only permit themselves to do those things because it's what is best for the kids.

What about what’s best for you, Mom, as an individual? Why isn’t that enough?

Mothers are living under a strong cultural narrative about what it means to be a “good mother.” Many of us have internalized that narrative to at least some degree, and it shows up in how we judge our parenting and our worth.

One of those beliefs is that good moms are completely self-sacrificing. This makes it challenging for mothers to make choices that prioritize their own needs, simply because it is what is best for themselves.

In addition, many mothers are holding themselves to unrealistically high standards. This is especially true in our modern culture where it is so easy to compare ourselves to others and we are inundated with parenting advice and fear-mongering.

I started to see that suggesting to mothers that they practice being more self-compassionate towards themselves when they made mistakes, failed, or struggled, was actually a pretty radical request.

Selling self-compassion to mothers under the guise of what’s best for their children is undermining the whole point: We all deserve to hold ourselves lovingly while we are in pain, simply because we are worthy as individuals. And every mother was an entire individual long before they ever became a parent.

In fact, our unrealistic expectations of mothers has put the idea of “mother” on a pedestal. Perhaps self-compassion is about being worthy as a human, even when you fall short of the ideal of “mother.”

The reality is, no one is a “good” mom all the time. Not by these standards. All parents will make mistakes or go through challenges that impact their children to some degree. So if your self-compassion practice is grounded solely in the need to be a “good mom”, you might be undermining your ability to really care for yourself in the moments you need it most.

Like….

• Struggling with postpartum depression, anxiety, or OCD

• Struggling with addiction

• Conflict in your relationship with your spouse

• Grieving

• Experiencing PTSD

• Getting intensive treatment for a mental health condition

• Chronic illness

If being kind to yourself after a minor mistake is a stretch for you, then practicing self-compassion during one of these more significant hardships will be almost impossible.

So that is why I encourage you to take your self-compassion all the way. Do it because it is what is best for you. Period. End of sentence.

Better yet, I hope your self-compassion practice includes giving yourself permission to live a full, messy, imperfect life…an opportunity that we all deserve. Living fully means making mistakes. Taking risks that don’t pay off. Experiencing heartbreak, grief, loneliness, etc. Accidents, illnesses, injuries. This is one facet of what it means to be human.

A Self-Compassion Refresher

Think of a recent moment that you were suffering. You felt bad about yourself, guilty, or ashamed. Perhaps you were reaching a limit and feeling frustrated about it. Take a moment to notice the internal reactions that come to the surface. What emotions and sensations do you notice? How are you speaking to yourself about this?

If you struggle with self-compassion, then you might notice yourself responding to your suffering with criticism, judgment, or frustration. You may try to motivate yourself with harsh statements like “I need to get it together.” Or maybe you respond to yourself with indifference, or feel like suffering is what you deserve.

Responding to our hardest moments with self-criticism, guilt and shame tends to make the problem worse. It can get in the way of learning from the experience and feeling more effective next time. It can impair our ability to apologize or take accountability if needed.

Self-compassion is a practice that means showing ourselves loving-kindness and respect when we are struggling, just as we would a friend. For many people, this does not come naturally. Self-compassion is not a strategy to feel better in the moment. It’s a way of being with yourself when something feels painful. In fact, when you first start being more self-compassionate, it might feel a little worse before it feels better. This is because self-compassion is a way of tending to emotions instead of escaping them.

Think again of your recent moment of suffering. A more compassionate response might look like this:

Notice and acknowledge the pain:

“I don’t like how I responded in that moment, and now I feel guilty. I’m always messing up.”

Respond with kindness, like you would to a friend:

“This hurts because more than anything, I want to do my best. But during this challenging time, I’m not going to be perfect. Perfection does not exist.”

Try some supportive touch, like wrapping your arms around yourself in a hug or placing your hands at your heart.

Keep returning to gentle self-talk, while allowing the emotions to pass.

For more tips on practicing self-compassion, check out my post Self-Compassion Makes Us Stronger, Not Softer or visit selfcompassion.org.

A Note on Mother’s Day

This Sunday is Mother’s Day in the US. This day can be fraught with many different emotions. I hope that you will notice and acknowledge whatever it is that your emotions may be telling you this weekend. And that you will respond to them with compassion. Whatever you are feeling, it is important simply because it is yours, and yet, I promise that you are not the only one ❤️

A reminder: I invite you to read along and join me for a book discussion of “The Full Catastrophe: All I ever wanted, everything I feared” by

Casey Mulligan Walsh

.

Please go here to register for the book discussion on May 30th at 12pm EST (US). It’s FREE to participate.

I hope you will join us! This will be an informal discussion and Casey has agreed to join us!

To learn more about The Full Catastrophe, I highly recommend checking out the reviews on Casey’s website. You can get a copy for yourself HERE or anywhere else you buy books. The QR code in the book includes a reading guide with discussion questions, which I will use to facilitate our group chat. You can also access additional bonus content here. You can learn more about Casey on her Substack.

As always, your support is so appreciated. Please like, share, and consider subscribing to Dr. Amber_Writes!

Disclaimer: This article is a reflection of my personal and professional experiences as a licensed clinical psychologist. It reflects my current and best understanding of these issues. It is intended to be educational and informative, but is not medical, clinical, or therapeutic advice. Any questions about your personal mental health treatment should be directed to your personal medical professional. You can find a therapist at Psychology Today. Dr. Amber_Writes is a newsletter designed to be informational, entertaining, and engaging. It is not therapy. Following this newsletter does not establish a therapeutic relationship with me. Dr. Amber_Writes, and other written communication by Amber Groomes on Substack, is not a substitute for treatment, diagnosis, or consultation with a licensed mental health professional. I assume no liability for any action taken in reliance on my writing here at Dr. Amber_Writes.