This is such a necessary and beautifully written reminder. I’ve seen it too—how often mothers only feel permitted to care for themselves if it loops back to helping others. But the truth is, needing rest, needing time, needing gentleness isn’t selfish—it’s human. And until we can see our worth apart from our roles, the pressure to perform “perfect motherhood” just keeps stealing our breath.
Thank you for naming that self-compassion isn’t just a technique—it’s a radical act of reclaiming personhood in a world that often forgets mothers are people first.
It’s something I try to say often in A Little Bit Kinder: you don’t have to earn kindness. Not from others, and not from yourself. 😄🌍🤝💪
Yes! Learning self-compassion tools has made the biggest difference in my OCD recovery. Sometimes I wonder if there is enough of a trickle down effect on my family, but I have come to the conclusion that I am allowed to live in a safer head space whether or not the outside world can notice. I used to use self-punishment as a compulsion, so self-compassion was a part of my ERP.
I am HERE for the invitation to let mothers be whole people. I am also very sad for my friends who struggle to give themselves that permission. Even the fact that I am regularly, actively reading and writing on this platform feels beyond many of them in terms of the time they permit themselves to flex their creativity and connect with like-minded caregivers in community. Sometimes I feel like Atreyu trying to pull Artax out of the mud in “The Neverending Story.” Save yourself! Please! Do you ever feel this way in your work?
It’s interesting you say that because when it comes to writing on substack, I frequently have to practice what I preach and remind myself that this is important for me (even though it is mostly unpaid work and is outside of parenting etc) I feel guilty about it sometimes! I guess we are often writing the words that we need to hear 😊 Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts!
It reminds me a little of how pregnant women are told not to be anxious during pregnancy because it harms the baby. Like thank you, that’s the most stressful advice ever. I’m much calmer now.
Amber, such a great post! I have grappled with this too. I think I often use the benefit to kids as kind of an intro to the idea, esp for those who are feeling guilty about caring for self or taking time. But then after they have some more experience with feeling better, I begin to introduce this idea of like, hey, maybe you just get to do xyz for yourself because it feels good, and maybe it doesn’t have to benefit anyone but you to be valid. Really appreciate that you explored this here. 🫶🏽
Thanks Bridget! I use those “foot in the door” techniques as well, and it was only recently that I started to feel off about this one. Thanks for joining me in reflecting on it 😊
Amber, this is such a wonderful and important piece.
thank you Kathryn! I’m glad it resonates.
Thank you for reminding us mothers that we are more than that title. We are ourselves before we are there for others.
Thank you for reading Cindy, as always 😊
This is such a necessary and beautifully written reminder. I’ve seen it too—how often mothers only feel permitted to care for themselves if it loops back to helping others. But the truth is, needing rest, needing time, needing gentleness isn’t selfish—it’s human. And until we can see our worth apart from our roles, the pressure to perform “perfect motherhood” just keeps stealing our breath.
Thank you for naming that self-compassion isn’t just a technique—it’s a radical act of reclaiming personhood in a world that often forgets mothers are people first.
It’s something I try to say often in A Little Bit Kinder: you don’t have to earn kindness. Not from others, and not from yourself. 😄🌍🤝💪
Thanks for reading and stopping by Michael. I love how you put it so succinctly; “reclaiming personhood” is exactly what I was trying to say!
Yes! Learning self-compassion tools has made the biggest difference in my OCD recovery. Sometimes I wonder if there is enough of a trickle down effect on my family, but I have come to the conclusion that I am allowed to live in a safer head space whether or not the outside world can notice. I used to use self-punishment as a compulsion, so self-compassion was a part of my ERP.
Self-compassion in OCD is huge! Definitely a part of my own recovery as well ❤️
I am HERE for the invitation to let mothers be whole people. I am also very sad for my friends who struggle to give themselves that permission. Even the fact that I am regularly, actively reading and writing on this platform feels beyond many of them in terms of the time they permit themselves to flex their creativity and connect with like-minded caregivers in community. Sometimes I feel like Atreyu trying to pull Artax out of the mud in “The Neverending Story.” Save yourself! Please! Do you ever feel this way in your work?
It’s interesting you say that because when it comes to writing on substack, I frequently have to practice what I preach and remind myself that this is important for me (even though it is mostly unpaid work and is outside of parenting etc) I feel guilty about it sometimes! I guess we are often writing the words that we need to hear 😊 Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts!
I deeeeeply struggle with this bind. It’s a sticky one. I love that you called it out.
It reminds me a little of how pregnant women are told not to be anxious during pregnancy because it harms the baby. Like thank you, that’s the most stressful advice ever. I’m much calmer now.
Oh good, I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees the complexity. Thanks for reading Kaitlyn.
Such a valuable post as always, Amber. And thanks so much for the shout out. I’m so looking forward to joining your book club for a lively discussion!
I'm looking forward to it too!
Amber, such a great post! I have grappled with this too. I think I often use the benefit to kids as kind of an intro to the idea, esp for those who are feeling guilty about caring for self or taking time. But then after they have some more experience with feeling better, I begin to introduce this idea of like, hey, maybe you just get to do xyz for yourself because it feels good, and maybe it doesn’t have to benefit anyone but you to be valid. Really appreciate that you explored this here. 🫶🏽
Thanks Bridget! I use those “foot in the door” techniques as well, and it was only recently that I started to feel off about this one. Thanks for joining me in reflecting on it 😊