This hit me in such a personal space. The first years of my daughter’s life are such a blur of exhaustion and worry that I suspect most my “memories” are just the pictures of that time I’ve added words to.
16 years later as I was picking apart the threads of how my marriage had come undone I was faced with all the grief that I had avoided in those first years when it seemed unlikely our daughter would survive (gulp…writing that still hurts).
There are many reasons for marriages to unravel, addictions to happen and people to struggle…what isn’t talked about enough (I suspect because people lump it into “victim shaming”, which I don’t believe it is) is the healing that comes from taking an honest look at our own accountability when our partner struggles. There’s a difference between shouldering the blame and taking a hard look at our own choices and how they helped pave a road.
I wish more people talked about that because as complicated and nuanced life is, relationships are often even more so.
Sorry to make you cry, but I am so glad that the emotions of the story resonated for you! I absolutely agree that it is healing and important to look hard at our contributions, when a problem exists in a family or a relationship. It is a brave thing to do, and has been very challenging for me! In the addiction world, we are told again and again that "addiction is a family disease" and even though I logically understood that statement to be true, what I heard at the time was "It is your fault." With time and work, I've stopped being so black and white about it!
Thank you for sharing a piece of your story as well.
A beautiful, thoughtful read Amber. Thanks for sharing your story. So important I think, as therapists, that we share the real and the raw to let everyone know we're all in it together ❤
You are lucky you caught it when you did. My husband is a high functioning alcoholic but was able to practice medicine successfully for over thirty years. He has never gone to rehab; he refuses to. I have attended ALAnon for over ten years, which helps a great deal. His drinking ebbs and flows, and he tries to control it. It is worse around his family of origin. Two of our adult children are good. One is a marijuana addict. I hate alcoholism and addiction. Thanks so much for writing about it. ❤️
Thank you for sharing Susan ❤️ I think the “high functioning” part is so detrimental in its own way, because it enables people to postpone getting help. Meanwhile they aren’t really living and their addiction is impacting everyone around them. In a strange way, Im glad B hit rock bottom so hard (even though it was hell) because he was not going to change as long as he was able to keep working. And of course, it’s all still one day at a time.
I had 19 years sober the year I had my baby in a town where I had no family and friends. I stocked a liquor cabinet and planned to escape my loneliness - I thought maybe after all that time off the sauce I'd be ok. I'd even maybe earned it. I needed relief. I was so empty at a time when I should be so full. I snapped out of it when I had a drinking dream where I was drunk driving to get more booze and killed my child. I didn't drink, I found a person I could be honest with about how sad I was. I'll have 28 years sober on Sunday. What you are talking about is not easy, it's hard to detect, and it's devastating. Thank you for talking about it. I salute you and B for coming through the other side.
Your comment made me tear up, thank you! Thank you for validating how insidious this type of addiction is, it's part of why I feel like it's important to share our story. I am so glad you found the support you needed at that vulnerable time and a huge congrats on your sobriety. Thank you for reading and stopping by to comment!
I feel your story is one of millions who live a life side by side with addiction ~ the difference is your bravery in writing your truth here and publishing it. Being seen is very therapeutic, you show your strength standing firm in your power in the truth of your words. Thank you for sharing your space, your story 🙏
Thank for reading Sarah-Jayne (I love your name by the way!). I love how you put it “living a life side by side with addiction”…that is exactly what I was doing and what my husband was doing, in different ways. And to your point, it is what so many others are doing as well. It’s a lonely way to live, and that is why I want to share our story.
This is such a beautiful and important piece, Amber. Thank you for sharing with such openness and vulnerability.
My first post here on Substack was about the alcohol addiction that I managed to escape two years ago. I'd always been a drinker but it became a real issue, I think, when I had my twins and pretended that all was well as we travelled around the world with them, always thousands of miles away from our support network. I sympathise with the pain and loneliness you and your husband experienced in the first year of your baby's life. Thank you for telling your story. It's so important that more people do.
Thank you Michelle. I am glad that people see the importance of sharing our stories. Sometimes I wonder if its best kept to a journal, and then I remember how validating it has been for me to read other people's honest stories. I am going to check out your post on alcohol addiction, thank you for mentioning it!
This is a heartachingly raw, real and very vulnerable Amber. I hear you. I can't imagine what it's like going through all of this, but I hear you. Alcohol is such an insidious, foggy monster. Sending hugs and appreciation for you sharing this. Our stories can connect the messy imperfections in all of us. All your writing helps others, slightly different styles but it's all about being human and sharing. Thank you.
Thank you Victoria, as always! I do feel a bit clumsy trying to include two different styles in one newsletter, but I will just see how it works out and adjust from there! I'm glad that both are helpful in their own ways.
This piece is extraordinary. I am so, so sorry for what you and your family has gone through. Being ABD with a newborn must have been insanely hard, it is amazing that you finished in just a year!
Something I can really relate to here is this feeling that, if I somehow work hard enough, look at these dominos in the right way, I can figure this out and make this problem better. But, like in this story, all of the dominos of my own family struggles are bigger than me, my work ethic, my skills, my choices. The lack of affordable childcare, the structure and low pay of doctoral studies and academic labor, the career demands that separate families — we can’t just out-think or out-achieve our way through them. No matter how hard we try.
Thank you so much Taylor, that is so kind. "Finished in a year" seems a bit gracious lol, because it took me like 3 years to actually finish it? I proposed before internship, then did a year of internship and two years of post-internship ABD before I finally got it done. Ugh.
But to your point, I am so glad that you could relate to the feeling of looking back on the past and trying to make meaning of it, and knowing how imperfect that process is. I was hoping that would resonate with folks, no matter what their story is. Thank you again for reading and commenting, it means a lot on this one!
This is so incredibly powerful. I am inspired by your resilience to keep going in the midst of so much. If it helps you to know, our situations may have been different but the first year of both my kids' lived is such a blur, I wonder if it's somehow baked into early motherhood experience. And I took have cried in a Target with my child in tow!
I also appreciate not only your sharing about how B's struggles impacted your family, but your reflection on the acceptability of alcohol in society. As an adult child of an alcoholic, this is something I think about often. Our societal denial perplexes me.
Wow! You're taking me back to my first year of a baby while doing a PhD as well as that final year when you're submitting and defending...it's such a brutal transition. You're not making any money; you're juggling new parenthood...I think I didn't have a minute to myself for maybe five years. I absolutely could not parent and finish writing my thesis and find a job. There's SO much pressure. It's a lot. It's not surprising at all that anyone would end up with an unhealthy coping mechanism to get through that. Thanks for your transparency!
Thank you for reading Leah! Looking back on it now, I have so much compassion and respect for all of us that went through it. At the time it just felt like...what I was supposed to do? What all my peers were doing? Now I have the perspective to see what a feat it really is. And then there is the burnout after all that...whew.
The way you reflect on this time, I hear so much compassion and curiosity, which as you know so, is such a big part of the sauce. Thank you for sharing 🩷 It’s clear how many you’ve touched with this.
I’m not crying you’re crying….
This hit me in such a personal space. The first years of my daughter’s life are such a blur of exhaustion and worry that I suspect most my “memories” are just the pictures of that time I’ve added words to.
16 years later as I was picking apart the threads of how my marriage had come undone I was faced with all the grief that I had avoided in those first years when it seemed unlikely our daughter would survive (gulp…writing that still hurts).
There are many reasons for marriages to unravel, addictions to happen and people to struggle…what isn’t talked about enough (I suspect because people lump it into “victim shaming”, which I don’t believe it is) is the healing that comes from taking an honest look at our own accountability when our partner struggles. There’s a difference between shouldering the blame and taking a hard look at our own choices and how they helped pave a road.
I wish more people talked about that because as complicated and nuanced life is, relationships are often even more so.
Sorry to make you cry, but I am so glad that the emotions of the story resonated for you! I absolutely agree that it is healing and important to look hard at our contributions, when a problem exists in a family or a relationship. It is a brave thing to do, and has been very challenging for me! In the addiction world, we are told again and again that "addiction is a family disease" and even though I logically understood that statement to be true, what I heard at the time was "It is your fault." With time and work, I've stopped being so black and white about it!
Thank you for sharing a piece of your story as well.
A beautiful, thoughtful read Amber. Thanks for sharing your story. So important I think, as therapists, that we share the real and the raw to let everyone know we're all in it together ❤
I think so too. Thank you for being so supportive of me as I challenge my fears about sharing!
I know those fears myself. Keep doing what you're doing. It's lovely to not be alone in this venture 😊
You are lucky you caught it when you did. My husband is a high functioning alcoholic but was able to practice medicine successfully for over thirty years. He has never gone to rehab; he refuses to. I have attended ALAnon for over ten years, which helps a great deal. His drinking ebbs and flows, and he tries to control it. It is worse around his family of origin. Two of our adult children are good. One is a marijuana addict. I hate alcoholism and addiction. Thanks so much for writing about it. ❤️
Thank you for sharing Susan ❤️ I think the “high functioning” part is so detrimental in its own way, because it enables people to postpone getting help. Meanwhile they aren’t really living and their addiction is impacting everyone around them. In a strange way, Im glad B hit rock bottom so hard (even though it was hell) because he was not going to change as long as he was able to keep working. And of course, it’s all still one day at a time.
Thank you again for reading!
I had 19 years sober the year I had my baby in a town where I had no family and friends. I stocked a liquor cabinet and planned to escape my loneliness - I thought maybe after all that time off the sauce I'd be ok. I'd even maybe earned it. I needed relief. I was so empty at a time when I should be so full. I snapped out of it when I had a drinking dream where I was drunk driving to get more booze and killed my child. I didn't drink, I found a person I could be honest with about how sad I was. I'll have 28 years sober on Sunday. What you are talking about is not easy, it's hard to detect, and it's devastating. Thank you for talking about it. I salute you and B for coming through the other side.
Your comment made me tear up, thank you! Thank you for validating how insidious this type of addiction is, it's part of why I feel like it's important to share our story. I am so glad you found the support you needed at that vulnerable time and a huge congrats on your sobriety. Thank you for reading and stopping by to comment!
I feel your story is one of millions who live a life side by side with addiction ~ the difference is your bravery in writing your truth here and publishing it. Being seen is very therapeutic, you show your strength standing firm in your power in the truth of your words. Thank you for sharing your space, your story 🙏
Thank for reading Sarah-Jayne (I love your name by the way!). I love how you put it “living a life side by side with addiction”…that is exactly what I was doing and what my husband was doing, in different ways. And to your point, it is what so many others are doing as well. It’s a lonely way to live, and that is why I want to share our story.
This is such a beautiful and important piece, Amber. Thank you for sharing with such openness and vulnerability.
My first post here on Substack was about the alcohol addiction that I managed to escape two years ago. I'd always been a drinker but it became a real issue, I think, when I had my twins and pretended that all was well as we travelled around the world with them, always thousands of miles away from our support network. I sympathise with the pain and loneliness you and your husband experienced in the first year of your baby's life. Thank you for telling your story. It's so important that more people do.
Thank you Michelle. I am glad that people see the importance of sharing our stories. Sometimes I wonder if its best kept to a journal, and then I remember how validating it has been for me to read other people's honest stories. I am going to check out your post on alcohol addiction, thank you for mentioning it!
This is a heartachingly raw, real and very vulnerable Amber. I hear you. I can't imagine what it's like going through all of this, but I hear you. Alcohol is such an insidious, foggy monster. Sending hugs and appreciation for you sharing this. Our stories can connect the messy imperfections in all of us. All your writing helps others, slightly different styles but it's all about being human and sharing. Thank you.
Thank you Victoria, as always! I do feel a bit clumsy trying to include two different styles in one newsletter, but I will just see how it works out and adjust from there! I'm glad that both are helpful in their own ways.
This piece is extraordinary. I am so, so sorry for what you and your family has gone through. Being ABD with a newborn must have been insanely hard, it is amazing that you finished in just a year!
Something I can really relate to here is this feeling that, if I somehow work hard enough, look at these dominos in the right way, I can figure this out and make this problem better. But, like in this story, all of the dominos of my own family struggles are bigger than me, my work ethic, my skills, my choices. The lack of affordable childcare, the structure and low pay of doctoral studies and academic labor, the career demands that separate families — we can’t just out-think or out-achieve our way through them. No matter how hard we try.
Thank you so much Taylor, that is so kind. "Finished in a year" seems a bit gracious lol, because it took me like 3 years to actually finish it? I proposed before internship, then did a year of internship and two years of post-internship ABD before I finally got it done. Ugh.
But to your point, I am so glad that you could relate to the feeling of looking back on the past and trying to make meaning of it, and knowing how imperfect that process is. I was hoping that would resonate with folks, no matter what their story is. Thank you again for reading and commenting, it means a lot on this one!
This is so incredibly powerful. I am inspired by your resilience to keep going in the midst of so much. If it helps you to know, our situations may have been different but the first year of both my kids' lived is such a blur, I wonder if it's somehow baked into early motherhood experience. And I took have cried in a Target with my child in tow!
I also appreciate not only your sharing about how B's struggles impacted your family, but your reflection on the acceptability of alcohol in society. As an adult child of an alcoholic, this is something I think about often. Our societal denial perplexes me.
Wow! You're taking me back to my first year of a baby while doing a PhD as well as that final year when you're submitting and defending...it's such a brutal transition. You're not making any money; you're juggling new parenthood...I think I didn't have a minute to myself for maybe five years. I absolutely could not parent and finish writing my thesis and find a job. There's SO much pressure. It's a lot. It's not surprising at all that anyone would end up with an unhealthy coping mechanism to get through that. Thanks for your transparency!
Thank you for reading Leah! Looking back on it now, I have so much compassion and respect for all of us that went through it. At the time it just felt like...what I was supposed to do? What all my peers were doing? Now I have the perspective to see what a feat it really is. And then there is the burnout after all that...whew.
Beautifully written
The way you reflect on this time, I hear so much compassion and curiosity, which as you know so, is such a big part of the sauce. Thank you for sharing 🩷 It’s clear how many you’ve touched with this.
Such a beautiful essay Amber. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for reading Kathryn, it means so much.
A beautiful read. 🤍 The first year of parenthood is beautiful and hard, and has such far reaching effects.
Thank you Courtney. It is such a vulnerable time for sure.