Are All Emotions Valid?

Why this debate keeps missing the point.

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Are all emotions valid?

I think it’s a trick question.

Social media and popular culture are full of hot takes on whether or not all emotions are valid. And when I say “hot” I mean it; people get heated in this debate. Not even mental health therapists can agree! A quick scroll through my feeds found that these tend to be the most popular stances:

• All feelings are valid, simply by existing

• All feelings are valid but that does not mean that they are facts or truth

• Feelings are valid but your actions based on those feelings may not be

• Feelings are not valid, BECAUSE they are not facts or truth

Why is this simple question so controversial?

It is clear that validation has gotten the same social media treatment that has befallen many other therapy terms and concepts. It’s been watered-down, over-generalized, and mis-applied. As a result, we have lost sight of the true intent of emotional validation. Validating emotions is not about judging whether or not we are “right” or “wrong” in how we feel. Instead, it is a process of understanding ourselves and others.

Let’s look at what validation means, why it’s important, and how to do it.

What does “valid” really mean?

The Oxford Languages dictionary defines valid as “having sound basis in logic or fact; reasonable or cogent.” This word is more useful in the realm of law or science, for example, to question whether a document or scientific instrument is an accurate reflection of what it aims to prove or measure. In these instances, facts are relevant because many things can be measured and quantified in a concrete manner.

But what about emotions? And what about our other internal experiences such as opinions, beliefs, interpretations, and perception?

When we are discussing the validation of our internal experiences, “facts” become less relevant, but not irrelevant. The facts of a situation are simply one piece of data that can be looked at when trying to understand our emotional responses.

Furthermore, when we say that an emotion “fits the facts”, we are not saying that it is true, right, accurate or correct. Again, within the realm of science, we can determine whether a thermometer is an accurate measure of temperature. But humans aren’t thermometers and judging emotions in this way is far less meaningful. Emotions are highly subjective and contextual. They often occur automatically and outside our conscious awareness.

When you are seeking to validate emotions in yourself or others, resist the desire to determine whether the emotion is “right”, “true”, or “accurate.” Instead, get curious about how the person’s reasoning makes sense.

Dr. Marsha Linehan, founder of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), writes that validation involves “finding the kernel of truth in another person’s perspective or situation.”¹ Linehan argued that very often there is at least some part of a person’s emotional experience that has a “kernel of truth”, even if it then becomes exaggerated or distorted in some manner. Therefore, to validate someone may not mean validating the entirety of what they are experiencing.

Linehan also writes that validation means acknowledging that a person’s “emotions, thoughts, and behaviors have causes, and are therefore understandable.” One way of finding the validity in someone’s experience is to look at the chain of events that led to this moment. Let’s think of our thoughts, feelings, and actions like dominos in a line. To understand why the last domino falls, we have to look back at what caused the first one to topple. Sometimes, a lot happens in between the beginning and the end, and perhaps not all of it is agreeable to you. But the chain of events forms a type of logic that explains a person’s internal experience.

When I say that someone’s emotions are valid, what I mean is that I can see the logic that the person used to come to that emotional conclusion and that I care about why the person is feeling what they are feeling. This understanding can be offered even if we do not agree that the person should be feeling the way that they are feeling based on the objective facts of the situation. Therefore, validation is not agreeing or condoning. Sometimes, this looks like what Linehan refers to as “validate the ‘why’ even while disagreeing with the ‘what.’”

In practice, there are two common ways to find the “kernel of truth”

1. Validate based on current circumstances or facts aka “most people would feel this way”: Sometimes, once we get clarity on what the facts of a situation are, it is easy to understand why someone is feeling what they are feeling.

2. Validate based on an individual’s history, physical or mental functioning, or other unique and relevant circumstances: Being fearful makes sense if you are struggling with an anxiety disorder or PTSD. Feeling overwhelmed makes sense if you have ADHD. Responding with humor in a serious situation makes sense if that is how your family always coped with painful circumstances. How might this person’s emotions make sense within their unique context?

Balancing validation and a desire for change

Importantly, validating another’s experience does not mean that you can not ask for a change in behavior, an apology, or for them to understand your (different) experience of the situation. Similarly, we can offer ourselves validation while still wanting to change some part of how we are responding.

I’m going to emphasize this point again because I think this assumption is another reason why there is resistance to the idea that we can validate all emotions: We can validate someone’s emotional experience, and still ask that they behave differently. This could look like:

To your child: “I understand that sleeping in your own bed is scary, because you have never practiced it. You are used to us being right next to you all night. But now that you are bigger, it’s not comfortable for me to share the bed and neither of us is sleeping well. So we are going to start practicing sleeping in your bed.”

Why is validation important?

We all crave emotional validation. Accurate validation provides a type of mirror in which we can catch a glimpse of ourselves. Having our emotions seen and acknowledged by others helps us learn to describe and trust our internal experiences, especially when we are young. In fact, having a parent mirror our facial expressions and vocalizations in infancy is believed to be one way that parents can support the development of secure attachment.²

Validation can be a bridge to belonging. When validated, we feel seen and understood by others. When we can acknowledge that many people would feel similarly in our circumstances, it allows us to feel our common humanity.

Validation is soothing. It allows defenses to lower, for us to more clearly take in new information, and to be more flexible in our thinking and problem-solving.

Replacing self-invalidation with self-validation

We often look to others for validation, but there is value in being able to validate ourselves as well. Invalidation between two people often leads to a standstill; neither side can move forward until they feel understood by the other. Within ourselves, a similar tension can occur. If we are both the one who is having an emotional experience, and the one who is rejecting that experience, we can get stuck in an internal tug of war. Additionally, when we invalidate our initial emotions, it can create secondary emotions of guilt or shame. These emotions tend to cause us to shut down or withdraw, leading to isolation just when we are feeling most vulnerable.

We invalidate ourselves when we:

• Judge our emotional responses with labels like stupid, silly, immature, or dramatic

• Say that we “should” not be feeling the way we feel

• Blame ourselves for creating problems that were not our fault

• Acting in ways that cross our own boundaries or deny us our basic needs

• Punishing ourselves for our thoughts, feelings, or actions

• Not acknowledging and accepting when we need help, instead insisting we do what we do not have the skills or capacity to do

Here is an example:

A first time father finds himself feeling disconnected from his new born baby. He feels clumsy and inept when giving the baby a bottle or changing a diaper, leading to frustration and a desire to avoid these tasks. He invalidates his feelings by telling himself he should not be feeling this way. He wanted to be a father, so he should be enjoying these moments with his baby. This leads to shame. He is unable to share with anyone how he is feeling, meanwhile, parenting continues to get more frustrating.

A little validation could go a long way in this example. A validating response would recognize that actually, it makes sense that he feels clumsy with a newborn because he has never interacted with small children. His frustration comes from the fact that he is used to being pretty good at the activities he chooses to do, and it’s hard to feel inept. Normalizing the emotions of new fatherhood might allow him to feel less shame, and even share his feelings with others, who could offer further reassurance or suggestions.

Steps to validate yourself:

1. Use neutral, non-judgmental language to describe what happened and how you were thinking, feeling, and behaving in the situation.

2. Replace judgment with curiosity. Seek to understand, rather than assess whether you were “right” or “wrong.”

3. Notice what part of your response makes sense.

   1. The who, what, when, where, and why of the situation

   2. How you believe most people would respond

   3. Your personal history: what have your prior experiences taught you?

   4. Your social or cultural context

   5. Your current mental and physical health

   6. Other relevant contributors to how you were thinking and feeling in that moment

*Reminder: you might be able to validate the ‘why’, even when you cannot validate the ‘what.’

4. Practice acceptance of whatever emotions arouse in the situation.

5. Notice what part (if any) of your response does NOT seem valid in light of the facts. Be honest with yourself.

6. Notice the feelings that come up when you acknowledge the parts of your response that do not fit the facts.

7. Use self-compassion to respond to yourself in a supportive way.
   

   Ex. “It makes sense that my feelings were hurt when she did not respond to my text (valid) but my response to her was shaming, instead of simply sharing how I felt (invalid). I’m ashamed at how I responded. It’s painful whenever I lash out like this, pushing away the same people that I am trying to be close to. I’m working on it, and it’s really hard (self-compassion).

Conclusion

So, are all emotions valid? By my definition, I say yes. But I think it’s a bit of a trick question. To simply rely on “all feelings are valid” is NOT the same as truly validating yourself and others. It bypasses the important work of trying to understand; of seeking the “nugget of truth.” Validation is a process, not a declaration.

I put the steps for validation into a downloadable pdf for easy access: How to Validate Yourself.

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Disclaimer: This article is a reflection of my personal and professional experiences as a licensed clinical psychologist. It reflects my current and best understanding of these issues. It is intended to be educational and informative, but is not medical, clinical, or therapeutic advice. Following this newsletter does not establish a therapeutic relationship with me. Dr. Amber_Writes, and other written communication by Amber Groomes on Substack, is not a substitute for treatment, diagnosis, or consultation with a licensed mental health professional. I assume no liability for any action taken in reliance on my writing here at Dr. Amber_Writes. Any questions about your personal mental health treatment should be directed to your personal medical professional. You can find a therapist at Psychology Today.

1. Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder by Marsha M. Linehan, Ph.D.

2. Isabella, R. A. (1993). Origins of attachment: Maternal interactive behavior across the first year. Child development, 64(2), 605-621.