My Annual Christmas Panic

Is it just me?

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This is about the time each holiday season that I begin to panic that my children will be disappointed on Christmas Morning. For no reason at all, I decide that the presents we have thoughtfully and intentionally bought is not enough. I start frantically searching online for one or two more things just in case.

Inevitably, this back fires. Those last minute gifts are outside the budget, so I’m left with a new worry. And never once has my child determined that the last-minute gifts were their favorites. They are excess and generally go un-played with, while the kids happily enjoy the other gifts. Ya know, the ones they actually asked for.

It took me a couple years, but I now realize that my panic shopping has nothing to do with my kids and everything to do with my own emotion regulation as a parent. They are an attempt to soothe my own anxiety. The anticipation of the holidays is so big that I feel an immense pressure to make sure my children experience the “magic.”

Christmas mornings are some of the best memories I have of my own childhood. Growing up, my parents worked blue-collar jobs and money was always tight. My own mother worked to curb our expectations of Christmas morning, routinely reminding us that money was tight and that we should not expect too much. It was her own way of protecting herself from our anticipated disappointment.

My brother and I quickly learned to disregard her warnings. Christmas morning always felt perfect. Yes, the gifts were more than we expected. But of course, I have very few memories of the actual gifts I received. What I remember is the warmth and tenderness of being awake in those early morning hours, the glow of the lights on the tree, the smell of cinnamon buns and the country Christmas classics playing softly on the radio. For a morning, we felt positively wealthy.

The dynamic that I want to recreate on Christmas morning is the one where my children felt seen and loved. If we aren’t careful though, we bring along the best of our childhoods and the worst.

Recently, therapist K.C. Davis spoke on her social media about how often we tend to parent our children with our own childhood experiences in mind. She said, “My job is not to be the parent that I needed so desperately when I was a child, my job is actually to be the parent that the child in front of me needs. And those aren’t always the same parent.”

I loved this reminder of how our children, and the act of parenting them, will inevitably stir up our own emotional stuff. They will inadvertently hit buttons that represent the unhealed parts of ourselves. If we aren’t aware that this is happening, we are apt to respond based on the feelings that are triggered, instead of the need of our children in that moment. The stories we tell ourselves, which drive our expectations, hopes, and worries, can be another contributor to the parenting guilt that so many of us struggle with.

Once I realized that my yearly Christmas (and let’s be honest, birthday) panic is more about me and less about my children, I was able to redirect my energy to soothing my own emotions. I notice the anxious thoughts and the “scary” story I am telling myself about how bad it would be if my children were disappointed. I check the facts of the situation, to assess whether I have any good evidence to support my worry. I remind myself of what I believe to be true and important; that it’s not my job to protect my kids from every painful emotion. In fact, one the most beautiful gifts we can give our children is allowing them to feel the full range of emotional experiences and being present to help them cope with the challenging ones. Lastly, I plan ahead for how I would cope if my kids were upset; what I would say to them and what I would say to myself.

Parents, the holidays can be full of emotional land minds, for so many reasons. I hope that in these last days before Christmas, you take some moments to pause, breathe, and give yourself self-compassion. Holidays are just one piece of the tapestry of experience that makes up your children’s childhood. No matter what happens, it will be ok.

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Disclosure: Dr. Amber_Writes is a newsletter designed to be informational, entertaining, and engaging. It is not therapy. Following this newsletter does not establish a therapeutic relationship with me. Dr. Amber_Writes, and other written communication by Amber Groomes on Substack, is not a substitute for treatment, diagnosis, or consultation with a licensed mental health professional. I assume no liability for any action taken in reliance on my writing here at Dr. Amber_Writes.