Self-Compassion Makes Us Stronger, Not Softer

Self-compassion helps us to keep showing up, even when the going gets tough.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

I recently volunteered to provide a brief training on self-compassion for hospital nurses and physicians as part of a larger workshop on grief and loss.

While working on my materials for the workshop, I decided to bring the information I was gathering to Dr. Amber_Writes as well. I expect this to be a series of 2-3 articles on the theme of self-compassion. I hope to provide a bit more breadth and depth than a “listicle” because honestly, these types of skills are not simple to master. Revisiting the topic over a couple weeks will allow you the time to reflect and practice. Most of us have spent decades honing our inner critic, so changing how we speak to ourselves will not happen over night.

“We can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love.” - Lori Deschene

But oh how we try!

When I introduce the concept of self-compassion to clients, they often scrunch up their nose as if they smell something disgusting. Maybe you just did too. For most people that I work with, the concept of self-compassion seems counter-intuitive. Our conventional logic suggests that in order to be the best version of ourselves, we must be self-disciplined, hard-working, and high-achieving. And it goes without saying that we must always be good. And how else would we get there without pushing ourselves?

So what does that look like? For many of us, it’s like a little drill sergeant in our mind, barking constant critiques and highlighting every sign of weakness. Or an inner “mean girl” who knows just what to say to make you hang your head in embarrassment.

For most of us, self-criticism comes much more naturally than self-compassion.

I was first introduced to the concept of self-compassion in a graduate school course called “Psychology Across the Lifespan.” It was a general course requirement for my doctoral degree, but I was fortunate in that the class just so happened to be taught by Dr. Kristin Neff, one of the most prominent researchers and teachers on self-compassion. Dr. Neff’s teachings and self-help books on self-compassion have become quite popular over the last decade, one of the actual psychotherapy interventions that has gained mainstream appeal and applicability. So please excuse this dorky therapist version of a “name drop” as I describe my short time learning from THE Dr. Kristin Neff¹.

The concept of self-compassion was only a minor part of the class curriculum. But Dr. Neff seemed to practice what she preached, and genuinely seemed to exude self-compassion. I recall being struck by how human she seemed, in comparison to the more polished and curated professors I was used to. She seemed comfortable with herself, and I recall her willingness to use personal examples in her teaching that showed a transparency and vulnerability that was refreshing for me as a student. She was not perfect and she did not over-apologize for it.

A few years later, I read Dr. Neff’s book “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself” and was surprised that although the text was mostly self-help, it was also part memoir. Dr. Neff wrote about how she came to appreciate the power of self-compassion through studying Buddhism and turned that passion into a research career. She used personal examples from her childhood, relationships, and parenting. She was not illustrating the concepts by describing achievements or moments of enlightenment, in contrast, she was speaking at length about the times that she felt failure, guilt, or shame.

The self help component of her book was effective, but what really brought these concepts to life for me was the personal application. Here was this professor that I knew to be very successful, sharing candidly about some of her most painful experiences. She painted herself as a flawed but worthy individual, who was capable of holding herself with unconditional kindness even when she felt failure, rejection, and guilt. As a young psychologist-in-training, it was inspiring to see a highly successful research psychologist talking about herself, and her flaws, in this way. It was perplexing. If she could love herself even in her worst moments, maybe I could do it too.

Somewhere along the way, many of us adopted a harsh, critical inner voice. Maybe you know where that voice originated, maybe not. It sounds like,

“Why are you like this?”

“What is wrong with you?”

“You should have known better.”

“You deserve this punishment.”

It’s a voice that critiques, scoffs, shames, and name-calls. It’s full of “shoulds” and it knows all the rules. It saw this coming. It asks unhelpful questions that make you feel worse.

I talk to people about their inner dialogues for a living, and it is astounding how many of us speak to ourselves this way. And we tend to think that relentless self-criticism is a necessary and helpful way of responding to perceived mistakes and failures. We worry that if we do not berate ourselves, we must be “letting ourselves off the hook.” Ironically, we hope that by shaming ourselves in the present, we will be a more improved version of ourselves in the future.

Research and experience shows that this is just not the case. When your inner monologue is harsh and self-critical, you are more likely to develop a tenuous sense of self-worth that is contingent on success, perfection, and external validation. To put it simply, you may feel worthy only when you do well or worse, only when others tell you that you did well.

The harsh inner critic has no love for the moments when you fail, screw up, or hurt someone else. And we will all do these things at some time or another. Being imperfect, making mistakes, trying and failing…these are all parts of the human experience. Many of us never developed the ability to speak kindly (or heaven-forbid, lovingly) to ourselves in these inevitable moments of pain.

Responding to our mistakes with more criticism makes us feel worse and contrary to our beliefs, it does not decrease the likelihood that we will screw up again in the future. In fact, the self-induced shame is much more likely to shut us down, making it more difficult to learn from mistakes or feedback. When you have learned that the only way to respond to imperfection is by criticizing yourself, it becomes more difficult to allow yourself to take risks, acknowledge errors, take responsibility and grow.

We have all met someone who can’t take criticism and becomes immediately defensive at the slightest suggestion that they have made a mistake. On the surface, it may seem like people who behave this way believe themselves to be better than others or infallible. To the contrary, I would predict that this person has shut themselves off to criticism in order to avoid the shame that they inflict on themselves via a harsh and unforgiving inner critic. When acknowledging a misstep means making yourself vulnerable to an onslaught of cruel words and shaming feelings, it makes sense that you would avoid acknowledging the mistake in the first place.

My generation was raised with a focus on fostering positive “self-esteem.²” Parents and educators were instructed to provide children with ample praise and recognition for their good behavior. Yes, we were the generation that made “trophies for effort” a thing. Although it is important to feel good about our successes and achievements, what about when we inevitably fail? A focus on self-esteem too often emphasizes the trophy at the end of the hard work. Real life doesn’t award trophies just for showing up. The result was a generation of people who are exceptionally hard on themselves, but when the going gets tough, they can’t take the heat. Metaphorically and literally, they drop out of the game.

The practice of self-compassion offers language for how to remain supportive to ourselves in the face of failure and adversity. According to Neff, self-compassion is composed of three qualities; mindfulness, self-kindness, and common humanity.

Mindfulness refers to the ability to bring attention to one’s present moment experience and acknowledging whatever thoughts, feelings, or urges that arise. We cannot be compassionate towards feelings or experiences that we are ignoring or denying. Self compassion first requires us to say “this hurts.”

Self-kindness means responding to ourselves without judgement, criticism, or shaming. We can practice speaking to ourselves exactly as we might respond to someone we cared about who was going through a similarly challenging experience.

Common humanity refers to the fact that we are all imperfect humans. Mistakes and failures are inevitable. Painful emotions are universal. When we choose to respond to ourselves with condemnation (when we would not respond that way to others) we are drawing arbitrary lines between ourselves and other people, leading to feelings of isolation and shame.

Are cats higher in self-esteem or self-compassion? The answer is both. Photo by Roberto Huczek on Unsplash

When I am teaching self-compassion to clients, I often use the following exercise.

Try to call to mind a favorite teacher, coach, or other type of instructor, someone that you enjoyed learning from and who you found to be very effective. Try to recall how this instructor would speak to you. How would you describe their tone of voice? How did they give instruction and more importantly, feedback or critique? How did they motivate you or your team mates to do your best, try harder, or learn particularly challenging skills? How did they speak to you when you or the team did not do as well as you hoped? What feelings can you recall having about yourself and your skills while working with this “good coach?”

Now can you recall an instructor that was quite the opposite? Someone that you did not enjoy learning from and who did not feel effective? Ask yourself the same questions as above. How did they attempt to motivate and how did they respond when you struggled? What emotions can you recall experiencing?

I like the metaphor of a “good coach”, because it addresses the primary concern that I hear from clients when we discuss self-compassion, which is “Am I letting myself off the hook for bad behavior?” and “What will I become if I don’t keep myself in line?”

An effective coach or teacher must be able to motivate their students without crushing their passion and willingness to learn. They must be warm while still being instructive. They must be able to give feedback that students can appreciate. If a coach is too passive, students will not challenge themselves and grow. But if too critical, many students will give up.

What might it sound like to be a “good coach” to yourself?

Example: “That didn’t go the way I wanted it to and I’m so disappointed. I’m wondering why I even bother. It really hurts to feel this way. What would help me get through it?”

The goal of self-compassion is to be that good coach to ourselves. To have the language and the attitude to respond to ourselves as though we are worthy, even in our less desirable moments. If we can hold ourselves with kindness and accountability, we are more likely to stay open to feedback. This is how self-compassion fosters a healthy willingness to learn and change.

Steps for Further Learning

1.      Dr. Neff’s website offers a self-compassion rating scale that will help you reflect on how self-compassionate you are. You can check it out free on her website.

2.      To further increase self-awareness, practice noticing how you are speaking to yourself (or about yourself) in tough moments over the coming days and weeks. Choose one moment that you notice a failure or mistake, or a moment that you become aware of something you do not like about yourself. Practice noting what you are feeling and what thoughts are going through your mind. What physical sensations do you notice in your body? What emotions are you experiencing?

In the following weeks, I will give more concrete examples of how to practice self-compassion. I will also explore how self compassion can be helpful during times of grief and loss. If you don’t want to miss it, make sure to subscribe to Dr. Amber_Writes so the articles come straight to your inbox.

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1. Fun fact: Dr. Neff was also a very last minute member of my dissertation committee, volunteering to read after one member of my committee left the university. Unfortunately, her warm confidence did not make me feel any less intimidated!

2. Check out Dr. Neff’s Ted Talk on Self-Compassion versus Self-Esteem.