You Do Not Need An Emotional Permission Slip

And why anxiety makes it tough to trust your gut.

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“You don’t need an emotional permission slip.” This was shared with me by a colleague during a consultation meeting. I was probably saying something like,

“I want to, but I don’t feel ready” or

“I thought about trying that, but it makes me anxious” or

“Maybe if I do x, y, or z, then I will feel confident enough.”

My colleague noticed that I was waiting for the “emotional permission slip.”

I was waiting to act until I felt less anxious. An emotional green light. I wanted to feel more confident, competent, and “ready.”

I began noticing how often I was waiting for metaphorical “permission” in the form of a feeling. I noted how often I was procrastinating, while waiting to feel that I could accomplish something “perfectly.” How often I was not taking action, because it felt too risky, and I wanted to feel less afraid. I thought back on the opportunities I did not pursue, because I did not feel ready.

Like the time I turned down a job because I deemed myself to be too inexperienced. As if I were the one to decide, rather than my potential employer! If I am being honest with myself, I was simply afraid to fail and telling myself that I should only take a job like that when I felt “ready.”

I know myself now. I may never feel ready.

I think that when many of us say we want to feel “ready,” we really mean we want to know for sure that we can do the thing, or that it will all work out ok.

When we say, “I want to be sure” what we really mean is, “I want to feel certain.”

Many of us mistake “certainty” for fact. Perhaps in some contexts, like a science lab or a statistics class, this is the case. More often though, certainty is a feeling, an emotional experience. Emotions are fleeting and fickle. Have you ever felt confident, only to have the feeling replaced with a wave of self-doubt in the face of a critical comment, a blank stare, or an uncomfortable reminder? It can happen in an instance.

The “emotional permission slip” is an attempt at feeling certain. The riskiest part of the emotional permission slip is that it may never come at all. Especially for individuals with anxiety, who can become trapped in an endless loop of doubt and reassurance…doubt and reassurance…doubt and reassurance.

Trust Your Gut?

Clients with anxiety often tell me that they struggle to trust their own intuition, after many years of anxiety whispering in their ear. They struggle to discern between what is their “gut” and what is their emotion. How do we know which part of ourselves to listen to?

I believe that no matter how many emotional hurdles you may be maneuvering, we all have a wise inner voice that we can try to tap into.

Dr. Marsha Linehan¹, psychologist, researcher, and creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), developed a concept she called “Wise Mind.” Wise mind represents our inner wisdom. It is contrasted with two other states of mind; “Emotion Mind” and “Logic Mind.” Logic mind is most concerned with rules, facts, and what is most pragmatic. Emotion mind is ruled by mood, feelings, and urges. Neither is considered inherently better than the other, but from a place of wise mind, we are able to consider the implications of both logic and emotion.

Adapted from DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets by Marsha Linehan

I think it’s fair to say that if you are waiting for the emotional permission slip, then you are acting (or not acting) based on emotion mind. Wise mind offers a necessary alternative.

Wise mind is motivated by values. Our values are congruent with who we want to be, how we want to show up in the world, and what is most important to us. Values are less fickle than emotions, so they make a more effective compass for our behavior. To read more about identifying values, check out the article Hitting the Bull’s Eye of Your Values by substack therapist and writer,

Aleks Balazy-Knas

.

There are likely many times when you are able to act from wise mind quickly and easily. These are probably scenarios that do not involve your personal areas of insecurity and fear. Think about some domains in which you generally feel confident and make decisions, even tough ones, with minimal anxiety or deliberation.

In contrast, there are probably some areas of fear or insecurity that come up for you again and again. Take my earlier example of not pursuing a job that I was afraid I was not qualified for. I know that many of my most anxious moments are due to imposter syndrome; a fear that I am not the most competent at something. So it makes sense that when considering a change in employment, fear and self-doubt speak more loudly than usual. I know now to expect imposter syndrome to make it’s appearance when I am facing a new role or responsibility. I know it’s coming along for the ride. I also know that I do not need to appease it.

Anxious Behavior Erodes Self-Trust

There are an endless number of behaviors that we use to try to feel more certain. For example, you may find yourself using procrastination, perfectionism, and reassurance-seeking in an attempt to decrease anxiety and find clarity. In reality though, these behaviors actually erode our ability to trust ourselves. They often lead to false reassurance, more questions, and ultimately, confusion about what is the right course of action.

For example, imagine a person who needs to make a decision, so they consult google, their two best friends, their husband, and their therapist. Each person has a different perspective and proposes their own valid considerations. Google offers ample evidence for every possible outcome. After all that advice, this person is more confused than ever. And their own wise mind is drowned out by the noise.

Photo by Jens Lelie on Unsplash

How To Access Your Wise Mind

1. Know Yourself:

• What are the areas that you are most likely to experience self-doubt and anxiety? Where do you often find yourself seeking an “emotional permission slip?”

• What are the unhelpful behaviors that you are most likely to use when seeking certainty?

2. Accept the Uncertainty: Yes, you can and should try to access your inner wisdom and desire in order to help you decide your next steps. And you may still have at least an inkling of doubt. What if this is the one time your anxious voice was right? And now you are making a huge mistake?? Accepting that possibility is part of the work.

3. Get clear about your values: What decision would you make if you were acting in alignment with your values (what you care about most passionately) instead of your fear?

4. Start small and work towards larger goals- Starting small will help build trust in yourself and your abilities. For example, I dream of publishing a memoir, but have struggled with anxiety about sharing my thoughts with the public and self-disclosing as a therapist. So, I started this newsletter as an opportunity to try my hand at sharing my writing with a larger audience. Each week I post, I build my confidence and trust in myself. Not because I necessarily experience great success each time, but because I get to experience the actual consequences of writing and realize that no matter what happens, I can handle it.

What do you think?

How does the metaphor of an “emotional permission slip” resonate for you?

Do you agree that certainty is a feeling, not a fact?

Is there a decision, an opportunity, or a question that you are currently facing, where you may be waiting to feel “ready”?

I would love to hear your feedback in the comments. If this article was helpful to you, please consider sharing it with others. I notice every like, comment, or share and it is so appreciated. And if you are a substack follower who finds yourself reading along each week, please consider subscribing ;)

If this article was helpful, make sure you did not miss these:

There Is No 'A' in Anxiety

Exposure Therapy: The Only Way Out, Is Through

Disclosure: Dr. Amber_Writes is a newsletter designed to be informational, entertaining, and engaging. It is not therapy. Following this newsletter does not establish a therapeutic relationship with me. Dr. Amber_Writes, and other written communication by Amber Groomes on Substack, is not a substitute for treatment, diagnosis, or consultation with a licensed mental health professional. I assume no liability for any action taken in reliance on my writing here at Dr. Amber_Writes.

1. You may be interested to know that Dr. Linehan also wrote a memoir, where she disclosed that she came to the work of psychology after being chronically depressed and suicidal in her adolescence. Her brilliant contributions to psychology are grounded in lived experience.