Disengaging From Unhelpful Thoughts

When "Just think positively" isn't enough

If you are new here, welcome to Dr. Amber_Writes. I am a clinical psychologist who writes weekly about mental health. I aim to bring you evidenced-based information, with a personal touch. Check out this post to read more about why I started writing in the first place. If you want to hear from me again, subscribe any time.

Photo by Jens Lelie on Unsplash

Much of my work as a therapist involves helping clients develop a different relationship with their thoughts. 

We are given many different messages about our thoughts, beginning in childhood.

“Think before you speak”

“Make sure you think it through”

“Just think positively!”

These sentiments are heavily reinforced in Christian theology. For example, the Bible instructs us to “Take every thought captive” (2 Corinthians 10:5), suggesting that we should control our thoughts and protect ourselves from the bad ones. 

We are taught that our thoughts are important. I would amend this to say that our thoughts are impactful, such that negative thinking can lead to painful emotions and keep us stuck in unhelpful patterns of behavior. In fact, that is usually the reason we notice and want to change our thoughts in the first place, because they are causing us a painful emotion that we wish to escape. The problem is, it is very difficult to control or change our thoughts. It's even more challenging to stop ourselves from having a thought in the first place. 

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers an alternative approach to our unhelpful thoughts. In ACT, we are taught that we are not our thoughts. Thoughts are artifacts of our busy minds, made up of language; some are purposeful, productive, and inspiring. Others are like spam mail; automatic, misleading, and irrelevant. All those thoughts are housed within you, a wise person who has the opportunity to decide: Is this thought helpful? Or does it go straight to spam?

From this perspective, we do not need to spend time policing our thoughts or trying to change them. In fact, those actions would only reinforce the idea that thoughts are important. Instead, we can practice distancing from our mental chatter. In ACT, this process is called “defusion.”

Defusion is the antidote of “cognitive fusion,” in which we are overly attached to our thoughts, treating them as fact, reality, and as a reflection of ourselves. According to ACT, many of our troubles stem from the fact that we are too fused with our thoughts. ACT co-founder Steven Hayes, Ph.D. wrote, “The fundamental challenge of being human involves learning when to follow what your mind says and when to simply be aware of your mind while attending to the here and now.¹”

This is similar to the strategy taught in mindfulness and meditation practices, and these exercises are one way to practice defusion. You may have been instructed to view your thoughts as leaves passing on a river or train cars rumbling down the track. Notice them, watch them pass. No need to hop on that train and ride along to the station.

I think of mindfulness and meditation practice as exercises to strengthen the mental muscles which allow us to dismiss thoughts as irrelevant. The more you practice, the easier it will be when dealing with unwelcome thoughts in your day to day life. 

However, mindfulness practice is not the only way to change your relationship with your thoughts. If mindfulness feels elusive, you can practice simply engaging less with the content of your thoughts.

Types of Unhelpful Thinking

Asking ourselves, “Is this thought helpful?” is one of the first steps of changing our relationship with our thoughts. Some common categories of unhelpful thoughts include:

• Harsh and unrelenting self-criticism

• Perfectionistic thinking that leads to avoidance or inability to complete tasks

• Intrusive thoughts

• Catastrophic thinking about the future

• Rumination about the past that has not gotten better, despite ample time processing

• Thoughts about what other people think and feel about you

To Engage or Not to Engage?

One of my favorite strategies for responding to unhelpful thoughts is borrowed from Dr. Lisa Levine, a psychologist who specializes in anxiety and OCD. Dr. Levine coined the term “non-engagement responses”² as a way of mentally responding to intrusive thoughts associated with OCD. I like to expand upon this idea to aid in disengaging from any sort of unhelpful and automatic thoughts that threaten to distract us from what is most important to us. 

What do we mean by “engagement”?

There are many ways that we engage with our thoughts: 

• Resisting or avoiding

• Treating the thought as a problem that needs to be solved

• Judging the thoughts as good or bad

• Trying to replace problem thoughts with better ones

• Allowing the thought to become a story 

• Acting as if the thought is a fact, and behaving as such

All of these responses assume that the thought is important and needs to be dealt with. Engaging with the thoughts in this way reinforces their importance, making it more likely that you will experience similar thoughts in the future. 

What does it look like to not engage with thoughts? Simply put, you are letting them be there. 

• Accepting thoughts and allowing them to exist without judging or resisting.

• Noticing the thought, but choosing your next steps based on what is most important to you.

• Labeling a thought a thought (I’m having a thought that I am a bad mom…) and leaving it at that.

• Do not take action, internally or externally, based on the thought. Do not treat it as a fact. 

• Agree that the thought is possible but do not give it more attention than that (lots of things are possibilities, but most do not capture your attention).

I will illustrate with an example. Let’s pretend someone is struggling with persistent thoughts about being a fraud or incompetent; an experience often called “Imposter Syndrome.” Thoughts might sound like:

“I am not a real writer, artist, teacher. I’m a fraud”

“I haven’t accomplished enough to have earned this title or responsibility.”

“Someone else could do this better than me.”

Engaging with these thoughts might look like:

• Believing you might actually be incompetent and taking extra actions in order to feel more prepared or accomplished. 

• Believing you might actually be incompetent and avoiding tasks or situations that trigger the thoughts.

• Arguing with thoughts by providing evidence of your competence, mentally reviewing your credentials and experience.

• Writing a catastrophic story with this thought as the first sentence! For example, “I am not a real writer. If I write and share this, everyone will think I am ridiculous. They will mock me or ignore me. I will be so mortified, I will never share anything again.”

Not engaging with the thought might look like this:

• Observing and labeling “I’m having imposter syndrome thoughts again.”

• Allowing the thought to be there, without pushing it away, disproving it, or adding to it.

• Turning attention to what needs your attention. “There’s that thought again, but I am going to keep working on this anyway.”

• Acting based on values, not the thoughts. For example, share your writing with someone, even while the thoughts about your competence still linger.

Although I have shared some concrete strategies for practice, please note that this work is more like adopting an attitude rather than just a coping skill. It requires on-going practice and a willingness to allow your thoughts to be there, no matter what they say. Since the goal is not to solve the thought or escape the associated feelings, this attitude requires a willingness to feel uncomfortable feelings. 

There are many ways to facilitate defusion from our thoughts, so perhaps I should write a part 2?

What are the messages that you have received about the nature of thoughts? I would love to hear your response in the comments!

If this article was helpful, please let me know with a ‘like’ or a ‘share.’ Engage with Dr.Amber_Writes, not with your unhelpful thoughts! (I should make a bumper sticker).

If you liked this one, make sure you didn’t miss these:

Who Are You?

You Do Not Need An Emotional Permission Slip

Disclosure: Dr. Amber_Writes is a newsletter designed to be informational, entertaining, and engaging. It is not therapy. Following this newsletter does not establish a therapeutic relationship with me. Dr. Amber_Writes, and other written communication by Amber Groomes on Substack, is not a substitute for treatment, diagnosis, or consultation with a licensed mental health professional. I assume no liability for any action taken in reliance on my writing here at Dr. Amber_Writes.

I am excited to share that I will be speaking on the topic of Self-Compassion at the Mental Health & Motherhood 2024 Virtual Conference on October 11, 2024. This is an all day virtual event packed with speakers on the topic of how we can cultivate self-compassion in motherhood. It will be recorded and available to watch on replay.

Learn more about the speakers and get your tickets here: Mental Health & Motherhood Virtual Conference.

1. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: An Experiential Approach to Behavior Change by Steven C. Hayes, Kirk D. Strosahl, Kelly G. Wilson

2. To read more about non-engagement responses for OCD, check out Dr. Levine’s article How Do I Stop Thinking About This? What to Do When You Are Stuck Playing Mental Ping Pong