How To Sit With An Emotion
The "how-to guide" you've been waiting for
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Has your therapist ever suggested that you try to. “sit with that feeling?”
If so, you might have responded with. “What the heck does that mean?”
My clients ask me this all the time. What does it look like? How do I know I am doing it correctly? They want a step-by-step guide.
I get it.
I think the easiest way to define how to “sit” with an emotion is to first describe what NOT to do.
We are not sitting with a feeling when we are escaping, avoiding, numbing, intellectualizing, resisting, or fixing (just to name a few).
Escaping: When you start to feel an emotion, and then do something to artificially soothe, minimize, or eliminate the feeling. This could include compulsions associated with OCD and false reassurance. It might sound like, “I don’t need to feel the feeling, because I know that everything will be fine/it’s not a big deal/I shouldn’t care so much, etc.”
Avoiding: Avoidance of doing the thing or going to the place or seeing the person etc. that might cause the difficult emotion. Might look like procrastination, excessive sleep, or withdrawal.
Numbing: Any behavior that intends to soothe, minimize or replace a painful behavior, usually at the risk of other negative consequences. Might look like substance use, gambling or other compulsive behavior (including scrolling!).
Intellectualizing: An attempt to avoid feeling the emotion by engaging with it on a cognitive level only. Looks like ruminating, analyzing, questioning and researching. This is the person that can write a 300 page book on the origin of their sadness, but can’t answer the question, “Where are you feeling that sadness in your body right now?”
Resisting: This includes expending energy on thinking about how much you really do not want to feel a feeling (e.g., “I can’t tolerate feeling anxious, I will spiral out of control and have a panic attack”). It can also look like self-criticism in reaction to the emotions that come up (e.g., “Why am I so scared of this? I should be over it by now. What is wrong with me?”).
Fixing: Fixing involves seeing a particular emotion as a problem and repeatedly seeking advice, strategies, or experience that will ensure you never have to feel that emotion again.
90 second rule and rumination
Have you heard of the 90 second rule? Neuroscientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor popularized the science that suggests that an emotion only lasts in the brain and the body for 90 seconds. She explains that when an emotional center of the brain is activated, the brain releases chemicals that travel through the bloodstream, triggering a physiological response. The physiological response is how we experience emotions in the body, such as an increase in heart rate and respiration, muscle tension, sweating, or stomach upset. It takes 90 seconds for those chemicals to do their work and then make their way out of the blood stream, effectively ending the “life” of that emotion. If the emotion hangs around longer than 90 seconds (which it often does) that is because the thinking part of the brain is doing something that is keeping the brain stuck in that emotional loop, basically, thinking more thoughts that reactivate the emotion.
This is why rumination keeps us stuck in the feeling that we so desperately want to escape. It is also why rumination is a core feature of many mental health conditions, including Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder.
If you want to nerd out on the brain science behind the 90 second rule, watch Dr. Bolte Taylor’s YouTube video here. It’s fascinating.
So what should you do when sitting with a feeling?
Be in the moment: Our busy minds will often try to pull us into the past (e.g., “Ugh why did I make that joke last night at trivia? I bet everyone thinks I am awkward.”) or into the future (eg., “ What should we have for dinner tonight? I need to find a vegetable these kids will eat. How do other moms do it?”) These thoughts might distract from the emotion we are trying to sit with. Or they may increase the intensity of the current emotion (aka spiraling) or trigger other distressing emotions. Either way, in order to truly sit with an emotion, we must try to stay in the present moment.
NOTICE and LABEL thoughts but don’t engage: This step is an add-on to the last bullet point. To help stay in the moment, rather than jumping on a thought train and riding it to the station, you can use your mindfulness techniques to notice thoughts, rather than respond to them. It looks like this:
Thought: “Why do I even care so much about what my boss said? I need to grow a back bone”
Response: There’s a thought. Now back to noticing my body…
Name it to tame it: Therapy often looks something like this:
Client: “I am so glad I have therapy today because I’ve been really upset about this thing that happened [proceeds to share in detail about the thing that happened]”
Therapist: “Wow, yea, that sounds challenging. So when that happened, what was the feeling you noticed?”
Client: “Um…I’m not sure actually.”
Therapist: “Ok, well what emotion do you notice right now, as you recall the event again?”
Client: “Um…bad?”
It sounds so simple, but many of us have not had a lot of practice with identifying our emotions. You may not have had this skill modeled for you when you were younger. If you identify as male, you were probably actively discouraged from speaking about emotions. It’s kind of like going to the hardware store, asking for assistance in finding the right tools, but not having any language to describe what problem you are trying to fix. In fact, there is research to suggest that just naming emotions in the present moment, helps soothe those emotions at least a bit.
Notice the sensations in your body: Has your therapist ever asked you “Where do you feel that in your body?” Did you hate it? Yea, me too! But unfortunately, the ability to actually feel where an emotion shows up in our bodies is an important part of sitting with a feeling. If this is challenging for you, you are NOT alone. There are many potential reasons for why you may be a little (or a lot) disconnected from your body (for more on this, I highly recommend this article from Dr. Vicki Connop The forgotten art of interoception.)
So be patient as you practice turning your attention away from your mind and towards the body. The more you are able to access the feeling of the emotion in the body, the more deeply you will be experiencing that emotion. You might start to notice that physical sensations act as cues for other thoughts and feelings. The best example of this is with panic attacks. Panic attacks almost always occur as an extreme emotional reaction to a physical sensation. It looks like this: You walk up a flight of stairs in a parking garage looking for your car. Your heart rate accelerates. The body registers this, and the mind makes a connection like “This feels like how it felt when I had a panic attack one time. What if I’m going to have a panic attack right now??” This thought is frightening, which accelerates the heart rate and respiration rate further. Then you start panicking.
Getting savvy about when and how emotion shows up in the body will be critical in getting panic attacks under control. It’s necessary for addressing trauma and PTSD as well. A great deal of healing is unlocked when we get out of our heads and into our bodies.
Additional Tips
Use self-compassion as needed: If you are struggling with sitting in an emotion, you might be apt to respond with self-criticism. Like I noted in the first bullet point, engaging with critical self-talk will get in the way of being in the present moment. It’s also completely unhelpful to be hard on yourself when you are trying to learn a new skill.
Instead, notice those critical thoughts and replace them with some compassionate ones.
Example: “It’s uncomfortable to feel this emotion, so it makes sense that I am struggling. No one said I have to do this perfectly right away.”
In fact, practicing self-compassion is an excellent way to incorporate mindful awareness of difficult emotions and keep you in the present. "(To learn more about practicing self-compassion check, read my article “Self-Compassion Makes Us Stronger, Not Softer”)
You do not have to literally sit with the feeling: What needs your attention right now, while this feeling is happening? To sit with an emotion, you don’t need to be actually sitting. You might be driving, doing chores, working at your desk, gardening, etc. Do NOT throw yourself into an activity with the purpose of distracting yourself from what you are feeling. But it's perfectly fine to get on with your day, while allowing the emotional and physical manifestations of the emotion to come along for the ride.
How does this look? Recently, I was really anxious about a commitment I had later in the evening. I also had a full day of seeing clients, caring for my kids before and after school, and tending to my pets. As I did those things, my mind would return to thoughts about the commitment I had later that evening. “What if I make a fool of myself?” I noticed the tension in my shoulders and the minor feeling of sickness in my gut. Then I took some breaths, noted the presence of the anxiety, and kept moving throughout my day. I resisted any urgency to make the discomfort go away, but it ebbed and flowed naturally, as my mind delivered me more “what if” thoughts. I treated it like a parrot on my shoulder; acknowledging its presence but allowing it to be there.
Not that exciting, I know. But here’s what I purposefully did NOT do when the anxiety spiked:
Call or text a loved one to vent or get reassurance
Catastrophic thinking about what was going to go wrong
Reassure myself of all the reasons why I would be ok (aka ruminating)
Google “how to stop feeling anxious” and watch an hour of Youtube videos
Cancel work to give myself more space to catastrophize and ruminate
Avoid the commitment by pretending to be sick
Use a substance to numb the discomfort
Take a nap, go for a run, or binge-watch a television show to avoid the emotion
Criticize myself for feeling anxious about something that I know, objectively, is “not a big deal”
Spend hours over-preparing for the commitment
Amazon prime myself the latest self-help book on coping with anxiety to add to an ever-growing pile of mostly unread “emotional support books”
The anxiety was uncomfortable, but by allowing the emotion to do its thing, I was able to keep moving through my day without making the situation worse. Every time you practice feeling your emotions, rather than running from them, you are training your brain and body to respond more effectively. You are learning that the sensations of the emotion are not dangerous.
So that’s how you do it. Easy right? Of course not! But with practice, it can become easier. With time, what once seemed challenging can become second nature.
So what do you say?
Do you hate when your therapist tells you to sit with an emotion?
How has your relationship with emotions changed over time?
What has helped you get more comfortable with feeling all the feels?
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Coming up…..
Next week, I will be sharing a memoir round-up that gives brief descriptions of the memoirs I have loved lately. I will also be announcing the book I chose for our next book club! So if you think you might want to read along, make sure not to miss next week!
ICYMI….
My first memoir roundup
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Disclaimer: This article is a reflection of my personal and professional experiences as a licensed clinical psychologist. It reflects my current and best understanding of these issues. It is intended to be educational and informative, but is not medical, clinical, or therapeutic advice. Any questions about your personal mental health treatment should be directed to your personal medical professional. You can find a therapist at Psychology Today.
Dr. Amber_Writes is a newsletter designed to be informational, entertaining, and engaging. It is not therapy. Following this newsletter does not establish a therapeutic relationship with me. Dr. Amber_Writes, and other written communication by Amber Groomes on Substack, is not a substitute for treatment, diagnosis, or consultation with a licensed mental health professional. I assume no liability for any action taken in reliance on my writing here at Dr. Amber_Writes.
I definitely didn’t jump on this notification as a way to escape the current emotion I’m meant to be sitting with 🫣🫠 still, a helpful read — thank you!
Thank you for this Amber - really helpful to explain 'how to' do it! being with my feelings rather than trying to escape them was absolutely essential to learn when I was quitting drinking. So many of us grow up being shamed, punished and rejected for feeling and expressing emotions and so we believe they are bad and even dangerous. When I developed the practice - and it took time! and it's still hard - of lovingly being with my emotions, noticing and welcoming them as thy are - that changed everything for me.