Why Living Our Values Means Accepting Painful Emotions
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Oftentimes, when I offer suggestions for coping with painful emotions, I instruct readers or clients to turn towards their values. Let’s spend a little time digging into what I mean by ‘values’ and how you can clarify your values for yourself.
Defining ‘Values’
“Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’.” - Viktor Frankl “Man’s Search for Meaning”
Values1 are those core principles that represent what we care about the most. They represent the “why”. Why are you working so hard towards that goal? Why are you choosing that path instead of this other one? Why do you stick with it even when the going gets tough?
Why?
Values are different than goals. A goal is a distinct endpoint that one wants to achieve. It occurs in the future. It has a sort of beginning and end; you know when you accomplished it.
If goals are the destination, then the value is the direction that you are heading in order to get there. It is present-oriented because it is reflected in our day-to-day behavior. It is not something to be completed, it is action in motion. It moves with you. It’s also always available to you.
For example, my goal of becoming a therapist was a reflection of my value of “wanting to help others.” But that value is also associated with an endless number of other possible actions and goals.
Say you have a goal of getting a career promotion. This could be a reflection of various different values. Perhaps you value financial stability for you and your family. Perhaps you value learning and growing in your area of expertise.
Values are also different from morals. Morals are concerned with what is right or wrong. They are a judgment and often contain a rule about how we should behave. Our morals may be grounded in our religion or cultural education. Your values and your morals may be closely aligned, but they are not the same thing.
Values should be chosen by you. They are not right or wrong and they do not warrant justification or permission. It will not always feel easy to act in alignment with values, in fact it can be quite painful or frightening sometimes. But it will probably feel right when you do it, even when it is challenging.
What’s so special about values?
Our values offer a guidepost for our behavior when the path gets foggy. Oftentimes that fog is coming from scary thoughts, painful emotions, or challenging and unchanging circumstances. People often come to therapy with a few different goals:
How can I stop thinking this way? How can I stop acting this way (or start acting some other way)? How can I stop feeling this emotion or start feeling this other one?
The answer often involves clarifying the direction you want to start moving and why you know that is the right direction. Why do you want to head that way, even if it is hard to get started? Why do think you will stick with it, even when you fail sometimes? Why is it worth it to keep going, even if it you have to feel grief, fear, stress, etc.?
The answer to those questions is values.
Not only does a value point you in the right direction, it is the sustenance you need to keep moving forward when the journey is tough.
Clarifying Values
There are many different lists of values that you can pull from For example, here is one from Brené Brown. Here is a values-sort activity that you can use to help you narrow down your top 5 values.
It’s often helpful to think of values in separate domains of your life.
What are the values you have related to:
Personal Growth and Wellbeing
Relationships
Work/Career
Leisure/Play
Values and Pain
Living in alignment with our values is not always easy. In fact, values and pain are often described as two sides of the same coin.
Living our values means accepting the pain that inevitably arises. We can’t have one without the other. Thankfully, values are motivating. They feel good and in that way, they provide some reinforcement for choosing difficult behaviors.
Think of a problem that is causing you pain right now, a problem that you are struggling to know what to do with. Perhaps you have some sense about how you want to show up or actions that you want to take, but you are struggling to get yourself to do it. A good problem for this exercise is one where you are noticing avoidance and resistance.
Write down on one side of a notecard or piece of paper, what is the value that you would like to drive your behavior in regard to this difficult challenge you are facing. What is your “why”?
Let’s use an example. We’ll pretend that you are struggling to stay sober from alcohol and it is causing a lot of tension in your relationship with your spouse. Why do you want to resolve this tension in your relationship? You might notice a value like, “I want to be honest with my partner.” So in the domain of relationships, you have a value of honesty. List out a few things that come along with being honest. How does it make you feel? What is the benefit?
Now, on the other side of the coin (or in this case, your card or paper), write down the painful or challenging thoughts and feelings that accompany being honest with your partner about your drinking.
It might look like this:
“Being honest means they will be angry with me when I slip up”
“Avoiding their anger means I can’t use alcohol to relax or cope, which means tolerating anxiety, stress, and frustration.”
“I feel left out with my friends when they are drinking and I can’t”
You can avoid those painful thoughts, feelings, and circumstances. But avoiding the pain means sacrificing your value of honesty (which of course has other positive thoughts and feelings that come along with it). And most importantly, there’s not a way to have an honest relationship without experiencing the discomfort on the other side of the card (at least as long as alcohol is in your life).
Would you be willing to toss that value out the window, in order to avoid the pain?
Or can you imagine carrying on with your life, living honestly, and allowing those painful thoughts, feelings, and circumstances to come and go as they must?
And if so, what are the next steps you are willing to take to live more honestly in your relationship?
In order to live in alignment with your value of honesty in this case might mean that it is time to start committing to actions that support your sobriety. Those are the short term goals. But the value is the reason that you want to take them in the first place.
Another way to do this exercise would be to list 5 of your most painful INTERNAL experiences on one side of the paper, and 5 areas of your life that are most important to you. Then spend some time thinking about how they are related.
If you could eliminate one or all of those painful internal experiences, what values-related experiences would you also be missing out on?
How does it feel to consider those painful internal experiences in the context of those important areas of your life?
What pain inevitably comes along with the most valuable parts of your life?
Moving in alignment with our values will inevitably bring us face to face with pain and discomfort. But trying to live a life free of pain and discomfort also comes at a high cost, often in the areas of our life that we care about most.
Values and Fear
“A ship is harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for” - John A. Shedd
I work primarily with clients struggling with anxiety and OCD. When fear is running the show, we are often engaging in behaviors that aid us in avoiding discomfort or a feared outcome. These include avoidance, compulsions, and safety behaviors. Avoiding fear and “risk” is often at the expense of some of our other values.
For example,
You value giving your kids new experiences, but you are afraid to take them out in busy public places.
You value being reliable at work, but you are getting there late everyday because of checking rituals.
You value family and finding a partner to spend your life with, but you are terrified to start dating.
Value on one side, fear and discomfort on the other. They go hand in hand. When we can clearly see how avoiding pain and discomfort leads us further from the things we care most about, it can help us to stop avoiding or relying on compulsions and safety behaviors. Values remind us why it is worth it.
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In Other News…
Are you planning to read along with me? Have you gotten your copy of Sexism and Sensibility: Raising Empowered, Resilient Girls in the Modern World? I plan to get the first reading guide (for sections 1 and 2) out this week! I will send it out via Substack, so keep your eyes on your inbox. Then, I would love for you to join us in conversation with author Jo-Ann Finkelstein, Ph.D., on March 13th at 6pm EST. I will send out a zoom link via Substack as we get closer to the date. I hope you will join us!
To read the book discussion announcement, go here.
If you enjoyed today’s discussion of values, check out these related posts that you may have missed:
Disclosure: Dr. Amber_Writes is a newsletter designed to be informational, entertaining, and engaging. It is not therapy. Following this newsletter does not establish a therapeutic relationship with me. Dr. Amber_Writes, and other written communication by Amber Groomes on Substack, is not a substitute for treatment, diagnosis, or consultation with a licensed mental health professional. I assume no liability for any action taken in reliance on my writing here at Dr. Amber_Writes.
Many therapeutic orientations talk about the importance of values. The thoughts and strategies I am sharing here come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). The “Two Sides of the Same Coin” activity is a popular ACT exercise. I did not come up with it.
Excellent article on values, Amber! Helpful resource to be able to direct people to, thank you.
I say this all the time. A big part of why people are so unhappy at work is because there is a values mismatch. What they value and need just is not being met.
I really think we need to do a much better job of teaching this earlier, starting in high school and college. Not just identifying our values, but understanding what that looks like in relationships, in the workplace, and in the rest of our lives.